I want to go and never come back

I feel like I was never on track

For the thing I seek the most

Which isn't how many likes I get on a post

How many views I get on snapchat

Now I just want one thing I want to crack

One thing to break or to shatter

To open up without clatter

Or sadness or disappointment or distrust

There is one special thing that I must

Have in my life but guess what

It is always at the rim of my fingertips

Too far too reach like hanging off of a cliff

Trying to reach a nearby sturdy object

To just pull myself up, but I bet

I know I will just fall everytime

I literally feel like I am a mime

What? How? Why?

Because they don't say a word

But when I do say something

It is like no one even heard

I’m locked in a box with my palms

And fingertips laid on invisible glass

Waiting for the right time so I can pass

This stage of feeling so alone

Like a sad melodic tone

That I so softly play on the piano

That I teach myself to get it right even though

I mess up a lot

And I can feel my face feel hot

Of shame as I play

Something wrong.

Like how I handle my life

I don't feel like its mine

I don't feel like I am me

Like the Sydney I was meant to be

Like jeez

Why is it so hard?

Why can't I get it right?

It’s like I have two different lives

At school and at home

It's like a fake syndrome

Called Two Different People Syndrome

Or TDPS, and to be honest

shows imma mess

I wish the girl at school was the girl at home

That ii could just own

One personality and not two

And all i say to myself is,

Look at you

Then I come home to a living nightmare

Then I fall asleep to one I can’t bear

So I wake up, scream, then cry

Tears falling quickly out of my eyes

As I hug my knees to my chest

Knowing I'm alone and that I need rest

But I can't fall asleep

So I look at the tears on my knees

This poem is happening right now

And you are probably wondering how

A girl whos happy and smiles all the time

Could cry so much sometime

And when I said,

“I want to go and never come back”

I didn't mean it like that

I'm not going to hurt myself, I swear

I am just going to tear

Myself with words and poems

Flowing and going to a rhythm

I just want to get out of this cage

And go flip a page

In any type of book

That has freedom and happiness

Like I need a happy series, a happy pack

I want to go and never come back