Woken up, many a time

Extreme pain in my chest.

Fighting for air,

Crawling up the stairs,

Crying out for help.

Doctor, doctor,

Please help me.

What is even wrong with me?

Test after test

Negative after negative

Finally I am diagnosed…

Anxiety.

Medication, now

Take these and you will be alright.

No results.

Take these instead.

Try to just calm your breathing.

Short of breath

Leaving class

There is no excuse

Other than

Anxiety.

Excruciatingly upset

Crying nearly each night

Tears building up in my eyes

Isolation.

Begged to leave the darkness of my room

Told to enjoy the light

Asked to be social

Looking constantly annoyed,

Frustrated,

Angry.

Doctor, doctor,

Please help me.

Questions asked

Answers given

Depression.

Listening to my music

Told it is why I am depressed.

If that is the case,

Why, then,

Do the songs have the meaning

That in the end,

Everything will be

Alright?

Tearful nights

Social fright

I let it control me.

 Sick of rules

Sick of games

Sick of trying to be “okay”

Call up a friend

Sneak out

Get caught

Be in trouble

Lose all trust

Never to be regained

Try again to make things right

Mess up again

Trouble.

That’s all I was

Never doing what is right

Did I even know the difference

Between right and wrong

Anymore?

Trouble.

That’s all I could do

Anything that wasn’t good

For me and my life.

Scissor strokes

Across my hand

A silent cry for help

Scared,

But in command

Someone!

Ask if I’m okay!

Knife taken away

I can find other ways

Steer my mind away

From these awful thoughts

Broken compact disk

Scratches digging

But taking too long

Pencil sharpener blade

Hardly a stroke

And the blood flows

Take this blade from my hand

Told to stop

“It doesn’t help”

I do what I want

Helpful for me

What if I never decide to stop?

Hold me close and still

I’ll be okay

I just need some light

To show the way

Every mistake I have ever made

Swirling through my mind

Why did  I do this

Or that

I had messed up

Far too many times

For anything

To ever

Be alright

Again

Endless thoughts in my head

Swirling this way and that

I wanted the voices to stop

They would never quit

I decided I wanted to give up

To die.

I couldn’t leave

My sister didn’t deserve me being gone

Lost from her life

Rushing upstairs

Tears streaming

“I need to go in

I’m suicidal”

Emergency: Room 39

Giving away my belongings

Changing into scrubs

Left on my own

Small room

Bed, TV, sink

The contents limited

Scared

Alone

Feeling as if

I am going insane

I don’t want to be in this place

I want to be at home

In my bed

With blankets

And my hoodies

But we entered through the south ramp.

Wheeled from Room 39

To the adolescent mental health unit

Room NAO3

Five girls in their rooms

The middle of the night

I stand in the space we can roam

Shaking

Crying

Missing my dog

In my room

Trying to sleep

Endless thoughts in my head

I just want to go home

Group the next morning

Snack

Group

Gym

Lunch

Group

Group

Snack

Gym

Dinner

Group

Snack

Relax

Visiting hours are with lunch and dinner

Mom and Dad always there

Aunts

Siblings

Support

Never before had I realized

The support I had from my family

I wished to get better

To go be with them

So I faked it

I pretended I was better

I wanted to go home

And I did

On my third day

I was discharged

Shaking as I left the hospital

Knowing inside

I wasn’t ready

But I was free

Finally

Free.

I couldn’t do it anymore

Not happening

Crying

Screaming

Shaking

Fighting

Pushing everyone away

I was done

Giving up

Until I was given the phone

The crisis line already on

I talked

Despite my arguing

The call didn’t help

But I had to relax

My emotions were in control

Repeating in my head

“Use rational mind.”

Think smart

Medications changed

Getting better

Thinking positive

Hoping

Bad days pass

Good days come and go

Sleep still abnormal

I’ll get through it

Just hope

Get through it

Take a deep breath

Hope.