DOUBLE BLACK

I wake up with tears burning my eyes

Again

And stare down at what used to be my leg

Underneath the clean white gauze is a mangled mess

Representative of the rest of me

Twisted and broken like a reflection in a funhouse mirror

The doctors' voices echo

When they think I can’t hear

“...Extensive damage...”

“...The worst we’ve seen...”

“...Never walk again…”

My stomach wrenches as another phantom pain grips my nerves

And clamps them in a vise

I smack the morphine pump and fade away into a dark dreamless sleep

SLIPPERY SLOPE

“Come on up the ramp.”

“You can do it!”

“Push a little higher.”

The encouragements mean nothing.

Empty words echo in my hollow chest

In a space where my heart used to be

Filled with hope and light

But no more

My crutch gives way and I land hard on the tile

And I wish once more that it would just swallow me whole

A month ago I was the best snowboarder in the state

Now it took me 20 minutes to get to the bathroom

Dad calls it a “pipe dream”

When you want something you can’t have

And all I want now is to just take a couple steps

The cold floor chills me to the bone

But it can’t numb my pain

ONE-FOOTED

“On a scale of one to ten,

How excited are you for your leg?”

My mom says

I smile dryly.

Six.

“You’ll be able to walk on your own again”

Walking isn’t the goal.

Wildcats.

Haakons.

Misties.

2022 Olympics.

Absolutely

Unattainable.

SHIFTY

The socket pinches

The rubber foot squeaks

My balance is thrown

Like a car from a hill

When it slips on black ice

“It feels too long”

I say, wobbling

“That’s normal”

Says Ben

The guy who just attached a pipe to my leg

That’s anything but normal

GOOFY FOOTED

I swing my pipe leg sideways

then forward

Then down

And shakily

I take my first steps

Tears fill my eyes

But not because of pain

It’s shaky and awkward and exhausting

But I can walk

I take one step, then another,

And another towards the rest of my life

OLLIE

It’s a mess of springs and bolts and straps

But they say it’ll get me back on the slopes

My new leg is freakish like me

A collection of odds and ends

It feels stiff and wrong

“Just you wait,” says Ben

And wait I shall

We’ve got our first Junior Paralympic Snowboard lesson on Sunday

Paralympian.

I guess that’s me.

I carry my new leg out the door

We’re not close friends yet

But I’m calling him Ollie

BUNNY HILL

We meet our instructor on the smallest hill I’ve ever seen

Appropriately named

Bunny hill.

I slide into my leg

Clunking out toward the magic carpet

How cute.

I’m pathetic.

Jeannie teaches me the basics

Skating.

Falling Leafs.

S-turns.

I cry halfway through

As a 6-year-old

With 2 perfect legs

Carves for the first time

And I see just how much I’m missing

HANG LOOSE

I zip up my jacket

And in a motion just as natural,

I strap on my leg.

I’m at the point where

I can make it down the mountain

without falling once

I whiz down the hill

The bitter wind welcome on my face,

Ollie out for the world to see.

But what’s the use covering

When you’re proud of what you’ve got?

HALF-PIPE DREAM

I stare down the pipe

Stretching out like the Grand Canyon.

I’m face to face with every challenge,

Every obstacle,

Every hope I thought was gone,

And realize how far I’ve come.

Two years ago, walking was a pipe dream.

Now I’m on a board,

On a half-pipe,

Where I thought I’d never be.

I close my eyes,

Inhale the crisp air,

And release.