His arms are tan and his hands are strong

They wrap around me tightly before I fall asleep

I can feel his fingertips tracing my waist as my eyelids start to feel heavy

His hair is long and dark brown

It's soft 

I like to play with it

His eyes are the color of the Caribbean Sea

A rainbow of blue and green

Interrupted by streaks of gold

I can see the light in them when I look up

Almost, at least

When my eyes open again, with the intent of seeing the world around me

He's not there

His form disappears into the contents of my bright blue pillowcase

The feeling of his fingertips on my waist is gone

I don't think it was ever there

I immediately close my eyes again

Reality isn't nearly as fun, right?

Everything comes back, and he is with me

He calls me a name that isn't my own

He calls me Leah

Leah is a pretty girl

Red hair

Green eyes

Flat stomach

Smooth thighs

I am not Leah, but sometimes I wish I was

When I get to school in the morning, this continues

My friends are different people

I pretend he's with me

Sometimes I pretend I'm him

It's weird, I know

I've never told anyone this before

Later that day, my teacher hands out graded tests

My score isn't as high as it usually is

That's all it takes

Suddenly I'm back

Sitting in my chair at the front of the class

My stomach hanging over my jeans

My sweaty palms gripping the paper

My thin hair falling over my glasses

My chubby face holding back just how tired I am

My best friend beside me

My small class of about 20 people talking around the room

He's gone and there is no one to fill his place

I look between the big red letters of my test score and my wide thighs

I am not Leah

I am undesirable

Mediocre at best

Jack of all trades

Master of none

I have no future, and I will become nothing

I am the girl that the boys talk about with disgust

I am the girl that no one wants to take to prom

I am the girl who is nice but has no other qualities

I am the girl who is fat and lazy

I am the girl that complains too much

I will be alone for the rest of my life

I'm barely fifteen and that is already something that I whole-heartedly believe

He is all I have left now

Maybe someday the feeling of his arms around me will feel real 

Maybe someday the image of him will be enough

I like it when he calls me Leah

Because these days

I'm only happy when I'm pretending to be somebody else