They ask with awe in their eyes
An awe wrongfully placed
An awe wrongfully sewn into their opinions of survival
Teach me how to live as you live
How to not fear death
To awake with a sense of self worth and understanding that the world is but a map filled with endless places to survey
This causes a chuckle to escape
How all their perceptions of me are wrong
I do not fear death I tell them
I am begging for death to grasp me by the throat and show me no mercy
Everytime I lay in the middle of the road
Or I take too much medicine
Or skip meals for days
I am standing on my roof screaming at the top of my lungs just hurry the f**k up and shove me off this building
Rip out my heart
Shred my soul
Till my body is nothing but an empty shell that will be presented to the world in a slick dress and ameliorate makeup like a porcelain doll
That is being placed in a overpriced containment box so that these vultures who demand my wanderlust soul be contained will be filled with entertainment
So that these vultures can have their final vengeance upon me for my beliefs and counter opinions that oppose their religious peculiarities
I will be buried like they buried the ashes of my baby pictures and bloodied teeth
I will be marked by a marble cross as a final cruel joke
All this while my slick dress becomes thread baren and ragged
As my ameliorate makeup slides off along with the mask my body has been wearing
The mask that society had come to know me by
The young girl who probably would have benefited from a rhinoplasty and a filter
The young girl who was covered in scars that were caked in concealer
The young girl who broke her poor mother's heart by falling in love with a child of the forbidden disgracful kind
The young girl who threw away a perfect christian life for a bottle of rum and a one way ticket to Greece
My amount of self-worth is solely based on the amount of vodka I have left from the night before
I look at them
Them as in these pitiful creatures who see as they wish to see and nothing else
There is a difference in living and being alive
The only moments in my entire existence where I felt alive is when adrenaline is pumping through my veins
The moments when I miss my footing on a ledge
I feel like I have taken my first steps
The moments where I fall asleep in the bathtub and wake up gasping for air
I feel like I have taken my first breath
The moments when I feel the cold metal of my fathers razor slice up my shoulders
I feel as if I am experiencing touch for the first time
I have come so close to death so many times that I practically have tea days with the Grim Reaper and listen to him complain about all the sob stories people give him about their boyfriends and how they haven’t lived yet
I am not alive
I never have been
I am just organs and tissue and ligaments
I am just a body of cells and atoms and macromolecules
I’m just a clock waiting for the day I see my friend and he tells me my time is up