If you can't see the pain,  

It's not there.

Pain does not exist unless it's visible.

Pain does not exist,

Unless I have cuts on my thighs,

And burn marks on my arms.

But my hair is curled,

And I have a smile on my face.

Which is really, all that matters.

You don't see me suffer,

You don't feel the burning hot fire in my chest

Every time someone asks if I’m okay.

You don't see the big lump that forms in my throat,

Every time you look into my eyes.

Instead of talking about what I feel,

I learn to hide my emotions,

Push them down so far,

Until I lie to myself

Trying to make myself believe that I feel better.

But instead of letting people in,

I’ve taught myself  to put on a smile and

pretend

as if

I’m not drowning,

And pretend as if

The smile on my face is a reality.

I can only hear my thoughts,

I don't mean to block you out.

I can't breath, I’m surrounded in water.

I don't mean to stay quiet for hours on end.

It feels like a broken white noise machine,

playing all the sounds at once.

My thoughts are too loud,
Shut up,

Shut up,

Shut up.

I can't afford to let the demons win.