Feeling light and clean like a white washed sheet fluttering in the breeze

I stand straight and feel my legs strut as I walk alongside my friend.

Friend, he has always been friend to me, I feel my heart start to freeze.

As I walk next to her I can’t help feeling like a brisk autumn day.

Eating lunch has become more than a ritual of eating,

It’s become a moment of laughter, a favorable time.

But as I walk away, I head toward the other girl. This is depleting

Two choices, one decision.

As I see him walk with her I can’t help but feel the jealousy glide into my stomach.

It claws from a place deep down I never want to see.

To him, outside of lunch I fade into the background, nothing more than white noise

Just seeing them together I have the desire to flee.

The love I shared for both of these girls was vastly different,

One bounced like a molecule in my head,

the other, a comfort that wrapped around my heart

Feeling torn between paths, both leading away from each other.

As time went on she no longer looked  me in the eye at lunch, no longer joked the same way

The decision loomed ahead, weighing me down heavy as a rough ragged rock.

Watching him swoon over another girl away provoked a longing

that tugged on the strings of my heart

Turning everything into a gooey mess

Hiding like a robber from a crime scene, praying no evidence was found

Maybe this time he would hear my defining screams

“Visualize my eyes, hear the pitch of my laugh, miss my presence ”

The lack of childish foolery quickly faded

As I watched her alone a disorienting pricked at his skin

Walking over to try to bring the buoyant jokes back alive.

But I was met with a response that hit me like a truck

“It seems I’m only your friend when its convienent for you” she said with a cold razor sharp voice

In the back of mind a voice shout with silver tongues

seconding guessing myself

Watching his eyes fill with hurt I spun around.

A war waged itself inside my head.

Seeing him with another girl was blue heat swirling beneath her skin

But bitterness fought strong

threatening to overcome me.

But throughout me I felt a hollow loneliness.

I was content with the choice I made.

I remembered the long ago days at lunch and doubt simmered in my mind .

Snakes slither in my head, hissing to me, “wrong choice, what could have been…”

Always second guessing.

After all this time she never stopped wondering.

Wondering what if

Wondering what could have been

Wondering if he ever liked me at all.

And after all this time I felt like beating myself up.

For being a coward all that time ago.

He often thought about what could have been.

He often thought about making the wrong choice.

He often second guesses himself.