Dear Mother, | Teen Ink

Dear Mother,

September 26, 2018
By rockstar_KK GOLD, Farmington, New Mexico
rockstar_KK GOLD, Farmington, New Mexico
11 articles 0 photos 3 comments

You’re probably expecting an apology for what I’ve done.
You want to read this letter
And find that none of this was your fault.
That it was me who wanted this to happen
And it was me who apologized to you about my mistakes
Instead of the other way around.
But we both know you’re wrong.
Not that it matters now.

I’ll admit, I never saw this coming
I didn’t think that I would ever have the courage
To aim this weapon at my head
Let alone pull the trigger. 
Don’t you think I’ve tried everything?
I’ve fought for so long and so hard,
I just couldn’t take it anymore. 
The pressure put on me
At such an early age
To be the best, to be perfect,
To be the dream daughter you’ve always wanted.
In your mind, this wasn’t supposed to be me.
I wasn’t supposed to be a blood stain on the wall
Not like it matters now. 

You just wouldn’t understand.
You never did, and maybe you never will.
You don’t realize how much I tried to please you
The effort I took in making you happy
So I could sleep knowing that my mother was proud of me
But those words never passed your lips
So I threw away everything. 
College, career, a future that you had carefully planned out for me
Sure, call me a coward,
Brand me a failure
It’s not like it matters now.

You keep telling yourself that this was my fault
That I wasn’t strong like you
So that’s why I took my own life
That must be it, right?
After all, you’re always the correct one,
Yet another part of you
A part of you I never saw before
Thinks you could’ve done something
And even though everyone else tells you you couldn’t
You know they’re just saying it
Just so you could stop crying
You wish you burst through my door
And pulled the gun out of my hands
And held me in your arms, saying “I love you”
But, it's not like it matters now,
Does it?

Your Daughter

The author's comments:

This was from a time when I didn't know there was another way out. I'm okay now, but I'll admit, there are some days when I just feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough for my mom.

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