I loved him correction I STILL love him. 

It’s been two years apart and I still think of him everyday. Those precious blue eyes that melt my soul. That darling smile that soothes my mind. That playful laugh that held my heart. The goofy conversations that would annoy me but secretary make my day. The warm embrace of his hands wrapped around me. Him always making jokes about being taller than me. Always talking about how my eyes turn honey in the sun when I’m happy. The gentle cusp of air as he talked to me as I dozed off on the way home from another football game or basketball game. That soft mummer his heart made when I payed my head  on his chest.

3 classes a day I lose my focus as my mind drifts over to him. I forget the lesson my heart pulling at my brain telling to talk to him. But I can’t. Every Friday night I see him all sweaty and stinky but I would give the world to just hug him again.  Curl my head against his chest and feel protected. But I can’t. Math, a blur of number and his carefully concentrating profile. History, his laugh and smile along with his sighs daze me daily. English, my heart aches as talks to friends across the room from me as my mind wanders to those past years and every kind smile he gave just like the ones he gives now.

It’s the little things that hurt the me the most. A video of a crappy “hack” lighting a flame from smoke reminding me of that last super bowl when he did that to make me laugh. Seeing a riding lawnmower making me recall all our FaceTime videos while he mowed the lawn. A rocking chair reminding me of our fights that often were resolved in the rocking chairs on his back porch. A simple football game moving me to tears after spending two years at football games and watching the Texans play. A border collie playing fetch with a pine cone like his would. Floating on a river like when we first meet those years ago at church camp. There’s so many little things that set my heart on fire for him everyday.

But I lost that correction I threw it away foolishly. I believed I was protecting him. In reality I was hurting us both. I lost my world my light my need to feel alive and blamed it on sickness but in truth I was just scared. Now I pretend to smile and laugh and interact with “friends” at school. A moments notice from breaking down in tears held on edge. As I see him post on Snapchat of him and his friends hanging out I weep at what I lost, what I pushed away, what I destroyed. I messed it all up and lost my best friend in the process.