I wasn’t supposed to care about him

It would be a little harmless fun, I told myself at the beginning. I knew your type, the ones who only cared about us when our clothes were off. What would be the harm in having fun with the first person to call me pretty in the last eight months 

the original plan was to keep him around for a month max, just for a little practice and ego boost, and then never speak to him again. surely someone as uncaring as him would understand. 

i underestimated how much i missed that look of longing. i underestimated how addicted i was to touch until a boy who moderately cared about my feelings forced his desires onto my body. and as one month became two became three, i somehow found myself caring about you.

i mistook his lust for love. everytime he told me how much he missed me, i thought foolishly that i had found someone who appreciated my enthusiasm for life instead of yet another y chromosome who thought with his d**k. 

but the fact that every “meaningful” conversation we had always involved sex was not the only red flag i ignored just to have a boy care about me. 

the thousands of racist and homophobic comments that you didn’t notice. the way you seemed to hate other girls for no reason. the unwillingness to meet my friends. the parties you never seemed compelled to invite me to. the short, unenthusiastic replies to my accomplishments. the list is too painful for me to write into its completion. i won’t even mention the cheating because that makes another separate list. everytime you hurt me, i assured myself that either i was being crazy, or that your behavior was due to your own insecurities. insecurities that i could fix. 

but i am no miracle worker, in fact, i am the opposite. your actions that stemmed from the things you hated about yourself gave me reasons to hate myself. instead of helping you become a better version of yourself, you helped me create a worse version of me. 

im sorry that you’ve had a bad life that led you to developing all these reasons to hate yourself. im sorry that girls have treated you like s*** in the past. im sorry that i couldn’t fix your problems. 

but the thing i am most sorry about is that i tried and broke myself for a result that was impossible.