I look at her, lying next to me
Not someone I truly love
Just someone who I love

I think about what I have done
Do I deserve to be punished?
I already made a vow to her
To the one I truly love

But this girl next to me
In a bed
In a hotel
Far, far away from home

My true love
My wife
What would she think?
What would she do?

I know what I have just done
But I don't want to know
I just want it to end
I stop thinking. I leave

Out the door
To the car
To the the road
To my home

Should I even call it that?
MY home
It's not mine, it's ours
My wife and kids

My mind starts to drift
I think about the children I have
What I have done to them
What would they think of me?

Their faces, I can see their bright happy smiles
I don't want to change that
I want them to stay smiles
And they will…

Arriving home with arms wide open
My perfect children run into them
Just so happy they are, I would hate to ruin it
I see my wife, she looks as perfect as ever

But can I still think that?
After what I have done?
Sleeping with another women
Loving another woman…….

I try to be happy
It's easy on the outside
But on the inside I'm crumpled
Torn apart, one emotional limb from another

I hold her in my arms, tight
My wife, I can only think of her as beautiful
And I know that I mean it
She deserves the best

I know that's not what I'm giving her
I want to tell her, I need to tell her
But I can't get passed the lump in my throat
My words are forced back now

I feel like I'm choking on them
I want to, I don't deserve to be here
I don't deserve to have her at my side
The only thing I deserve is……. pain

Pain and torture
My life is filled with chaos
As is my mind
Both just want to be set free of it

I don't want to feel this pain
For I know that it is what makes me suffer
It is what makes me suffer even more and more
More I go through the pain

More! I feel like I need more!
Like I'm not being tortured enough!
Soon I will reach my limit! My limit will break!
And more pain will be suffocating me

Suffocating my thoughts
My actions
My life
It will make me even worse…..

I fell so much pain that I can't take it any more
That night I cry myself to sleep. Internally
The tears wash out my thoughts like a hurricane in my brain
I can sleep soundly that night, almost…

As the sun rises gently over the horizon I feel relieved
As if somehow all my troubles were gone
My wife lay at my side
Still in her deep peaceful slumber

Her long dirty blonde hair flowing
Down towards the end of the bed it goes
Stopping just at her waist
She always tried to keep it in flawless condition

Whenever it got messy she got angry
But laughter always followed the anger
She was jumble of emotions
Just like me, but not like me

Her emotions show how terrific she can be
Mine just show the hatred, sorrow, and depression inside me
All of what I have to keep buried
For her sake, for the kids sake, for my sake

I lay back down, trying to fall asleep
I need it, after what happened last night…
But all I can do as I lay there is think