Step One: Start by mourning the lose of a loved one. People will feel sorry for you and bring you flowers followed by an array of pitiful glances. It sarted when his father passed away. Something changed within him. His eyes used to have a brightness about them that put the suns rayes to shame but after his father died, the brightness disappeared. He hated the sympathy and how everyone knew him as 'the kid whos dad died'. As if he wasn't worthy of their attention beforehand. 

Step Two: Pick up a discusting habit. His was smoking.He said that smelling the smoke made him feel like everything was normal because he was smoking the cigarettes his father was no longer there to smoke. He told me that inhaling the substance made his chest tighten painfully and his nostrils sting but the pain was a good kind of pain and it made him feel alive. He kept one behind his ear at all times and the teachers didn't punish him, instead they offered him another because he was 'the kid whos Dad died'.

Step Three: Begin lashing out at the people who love you the most. Convince them you are not worthy of their love and drive them away. His mother was first and then it was his friends and I should have been next. I didn't allow him to drive me away because he needed to know that I was the only know that would never leave.

Step Four: Try to persuade people to believe that unattainable things are possible.He told me that one day, in the future,everyone in this world would be equal. When I told him to stop having high expectations, he told me to stop judging the future of a world I have only existed in for fifteen years and that they weren't expectations because he wouldn't be here for them to be fufilled.

Step Five: Only speak in incoherent sentences. This will make you impossible to have a conversation with and therefore will make you even more alone. In the step five days he talked about the death of Kurt Cobain and how he hoped that it really was suicide and not murder because suicide meant he was making a statement and murder only meant that he was a victim.

Step Six: Aspire to be 'something'. And so he painted scars on his wrists. I knew this froom the blood stained sleeves and tear stained cheeks. He denied it everytime though because cutting wasn't manly. 

Step Seven: Refuse to seek professional help. He told me he didn't want to go to the doctor because doctors dignose sicknesses that they can cure and his sickness was incurable.

Step Eight: Become impossible to contact for weeks at a time so that when you do finally leave for good, no one will come looking.

The Last Step: Put a bullet through your skull or a knife through your chest. 

He did not go to a heaven that he didn't deserve because he wasn't an angel. It was because he wasn't ready to go.