“Is it safe for me to be alone?”
I have never been so fearful,
Afraid of being defined by this disorder,
My emotions like a raging rollercoaster,
One moment I couldn’t be happier,
The next I feel despair taking over.
If I can’t understand myself,
How can anyone else understand me?

I feel like I’m drowning in a salty sea.
I can barely breathe,
Fear is taking over me.

Eyes are on me,
I don’t understand what this all means.
Pills being prescribed to me,
Red
Yellow
Blue
White
Different sizes
Big names like Zantac
Side effects that can cause heart attacks.
Claiming that they will save me from myself.
Will this really help?
Starting to be treated differently,
Is it because they feel bad for me?
They will never fully understand.

I can’t hide it anymore,
Everyone can see right through me
Like a sliding glass door.
If only they could really get inside my head,
Hear all the negative things that are being said,
This raging war inside my head,
Whispers of negativity,
“You can’t amount to anything”
“You will never be good enough”

This isn’t what I wanted,
Self-conscious
Afraid to say a word
Afraid to trust.
Afraid to put the little white pill in my mouth.
Reading the labels,
Saying that it can give me the trembles,
Suicide thoughts,
But yet these pills are supposed to make me better?

I want my emotions to be improved,
Better self-esteem,
To control my emotions,
Identify what I am feeling.
A mood disorder that needs to be contained,
So tired of being emotionally drained.
Sleepless nights,
Helpless cries, not knowing why.
I don’t want this to define me.