On the edge of life & death
teetering back & forth on
such a weak fence
but clumsiness is a forte
so maybe it'd be an accident
you'd see my face on TV
maybe you'd think it was an accident
as you read my name in an obituary
the fence just snapped
couldn't hold all my weight
or maybe the wires that bound me there
decided to split & fray
& my body was so charred
you couldn't recognize my face
the mud, the burns,
the rotting flesh,
the hickies left by the kiss of death
left me unrecognizable in the light of day
But if you could see into my mind
you'd know that I had jumped
and my mind was so perplexed
it couldn't tell which side was what
and maybe it's a sad story
of a person who had so much faith
or maybe it's just human nature
to watch our bones decay
it's bound to happen eventually
or maybe you'll read in the paper
that I drowned in that black lake
because I didn't know how to swim
a tragic twist of fate
but it's hard to stay afloat
with only demons in your head
when they tell you to swim deeper
because there you'll find your friends
& you won't need to breathe anymore
because all of them are dead
& you won't be alone anymore
because the darkness can't control you anymore
no, never again.

never again.

or maybe you'll hear a family weep
because I was driving recklessly
they'll say I was drunk behind the wheel
but I was only intoxicated
by my own head
it told me to drive faster
but my heart told me to stop
and they were yelling so loud
I didn't even know my own thoughts
and the lights were too bright
I forgot how to see
there were too many noises
but no one would listen to me
and my mind kept telling me
it wasn't fast enough going only 120
so I pressed the peddle
to catch some speed
but then I only heard my heart's pleas
"stop, stop, stop, oh please"
and then it was more noise
and the lights kept blinding me.
and I prayed and I screamed
but all I heard was a screech
and a bang
and a roar
and the sirens of the police

and then it was silent
and I finally found peace.

& sometimes I have dreams like these
that Drench me in a cold sweat
& I wake up on the bathroom floor
looking like I've just seen death.
& sometimes I wish I could go back to sleep
because it's the only place
I ever feel sanity
like the darkness cures
the madness in me
but it's a paradox you see
because the darkness is
constantly surrounding me
& maybe if you could
see inside my head
you'd be terrified of what you see.
because sometimes it even
terrifies me.
you could see I've had
enough suicidal thoughts
to kill off all of humanity.
constantly thinking of ways
to end my own vanity.
and you would wonder
why I haven't killed myself yet
because I'm like a ticking time bomb that
could leave the whole world dead
like a loaded gun
pressing against my head.
the pressure keeps building,
but the powder is wet
and the frustration comes
because the scene should be red
and so I sit there in silence
and weep for myself.
paralyzed from the fear
staring at the books on the shelf.

there are eight.

I count them until I fall asleep.
and then I count them in my dreams.