Last night I:
plucked my eyebrows
straightened my hair
painted my nails
stayed up until three in the morning
searching the wonders of Cosmo
and surfing the internet for beauty tips
“how to fake fuller eyebrows
in seconds” “anything is possible
with a wig and a dream” What?
I: looked for the perfect make-up
to match my skin complexion
because it’s not enough to be God’s
original creation,
traded integrity for security
and called it love
looked for a celebrity to look up to
because being me was not
good enough and Miley Cyrus
has bleached her eyebrows
news that traveled the nation
while I cry and tell myself,
“be patient, be patient.”
This morning I:
put on my eyeliner
made my lashes artificial with mascara
painted my lips and powdered
my cheeks but I:
was still not what I wanted to be
was still not pretty
and I wasn’t the only one to know
because all the girls told me so
This morning I:
looked again into my worst enemy
the mirror that might’ve lied to me
because when you’re a teen
every mirror you look into is so mean
meaner than the girls who bullied me
or the guys who took my self-esteem
or my dad who drenched me
with insults so I:
abandoned my innocence
became bitter
open to all sorts of abuse
that became so hard to refuse
and the truth is
I wanted more
wanted more than
pick-up lines and beady eyes
more than men shouting vulgarities
more than what I was
I wanted to be more.
This morning I:
heard myself whispering affirmations
digging out every bit of information
put into my fifteen year old head
jumped on my bed
because I was not a reincarnation
but a lab rat
let out of her cage
and I’ll never forget when I heard
myself say “no” over and over again
but he wouldn’t listen
when he pinned me down
and took the tiny bit of innocence
that had come back and I:
closed down
loved God more than me
loved music more than me
loved clothes and food more than me
love him more than me but I:
walk about all hips and lips
giving in because what else
can become of me? I:
was still not pretty.