Remembering the words that my mom said to me hurt badly. I lost all controlled, I lost the feeling to do anything, the taste to eat and the rest to sleep. I broke down. I never forget that day. Those words that she said to my little sister and I just made me weak, sad, and scared. I remember every little thing. My mom gathering my sister and I together saying those heart breaking words. The words that took part of me away. Just sitting there asking myself, Why? How? And When? It can't be true! It can't be true! But it was. In I couldn't believe it. Saying to myself she's gone! I really didn't know how the react from the sad news. There were no emotions or thoughts at all. It was like a total blackout and silent that I was thinking.
Going to my room and not wanting to be bothered. I just wanted to be alone and by myself. My emotions were like they were trap inside. It was like they was locked and cage. I felt nothing at all. No pain. No emotion. Nothing. The emotions that I thought would be there wasn't. No Tears. No Yelling. No Crying. No Heavy breathing. Nothing. I was completely numb. I felt nothing. I was silent and very dark inside. The darkness was anger. Anger of not being able to say, "See you later" or "I love you" anymore to my grandma. The complete silent of confusion. Thinking why so soon! Wondering if I could of done anything to prevent her from dying.
A 12 hour ride for this day from Milwaukee, WI all the way to Como, MS. A day that I just wish would never had come so soon. The day I would never forget no matter what. Sitting in the car looking out the window waiting until I get to see my grandma one last time, still cannot believe the words that my mom told my sister and I. “Your grandma past away.” “Your grandma past away.” “Your grandma past away.” The words were just running through my head.
I’M HERE! The closer I get to the door the more Numbness I get. The church was very pack with family and friends. Entering the church I saw a long red carpet leading us to her casket. Trying to keep myself from seeing her lying there in that casket kept me from breaking down. But after noticing where my sit was it wasn't going to turn out great.
There I was front row seat; I knew it wasn't going to be a good idea. The heavy breathing the wetness on my face I knew that ever emotion that I held inside was starting to come all out right there. Sitting there just looking at her just made me realize that she was really gone, because of that it hurt so badly. There was more tear. More tears and heavy breathing. It was like I couldn't control anything. Why? Why? Why? What I kept asking myself.
Not able to control my tears from falling I went and waited in the car to cool myself down. Reentering the building there it was again the tears and the heavy breathing started. I know I wasn't ready for her to leave so soon. Seeing her there; hurt so badly. So I decided to just wait in the car, just thinking about the time we spend together. I remember helping her around the house, laughing at her jokes, and even just catching up with each other because on the 12 hour distance from each other.