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Trying to try
I try to be everything for you, and you
Sit there and act like I don’t exist.
Constantly telling people you talk to that
It’s so hard for you.
What about me?!
Don’t you think it’s hard forcing myself
To think I’m not in love with you?
Looking at you, everything about you,
And forcing myself not to smile?
Hearing your voice and forcing
Butterflies out of my stomach?
Do you think it’s easy for me to convince
Myself that just not what you want?! To
Give you everything I’ve got staring at you afterwards
With wide eyes for approval only for you to skip
Over my face?
Making every conversation playful if I want
To talk to you because the only
Okay thing to say is “Hey”?
Hiding my feelings so I don’t have
To lose all of you.
Catching myself mid-gesture, just in case
A hand graze across your cheek is too much
For a friend?
Don’t you think I struggled to run after you?
Picking up the pieces you left of me at your last
Relationships. Telling myself
“He wouldn’t keep coming back if his feelings weren’t real”.
Acting like it was totally understandable for him not to
Date me because he
“wouldn’t want to sacrifice our friendship”.
Fighting every day to prove him that I do have something
Special! That taking my hand and walking with
Me through hell would only make US stronger.
Would only put more in our past, something we always
Try to forget.
The same thing that is ruining my opportunity to show
You what it feels like to be the happy you’ve
Stepping past what we want to forget, locked fingers.
Jumping over the mistakes we almost made, and the
Problems we almost never solved, crossed arms.
And walking straight into our paradise of what is to come,
And over the last three years I’ve sat and
Realized that your dream is nothing like mine.
With no one like me.
But, I tell you my story anyway.
Staring at you afterwards with wide eyes for
Approval only for you to skip over my face.