I go out
To the parties
On the corner of Rosalia
Across the street from Jerry’s Bar
Kept up on the outside
Its yellow siding cared for
Inside a different story
Chipped white paint
Pictures hang crooked,
Cover holes in the walls
Squeaky oak steps
Lead to the warm room.

With the heavy drinking
Blunts freshly rolled
Strong drugs on one oak side table
Crack, cocaine, and marijuana
Pills mixed on a second oak table
Capsules of light blue and dark blue,
White and dark blue, with red pills
Sizes and varieties of white pills.
Pick and choose
What do I want to feel?
Better yet, what don’t I want to feel?
What am I craving?
Blue UV? Vodka Punch? Tennessee Whiskey?

Not feeling the pain
Of a sharp thin blade
Slide across my wrists and thighs
One cut at a time
Trying to replace the pain
Of the abuse and abandonment
Of my heart.

The air
Pushes harder and harder
Makes it more difficult to breathe
I sink into the pool water
I turn cold
Reach towards the top
I get closer to the bottom
Eyes squeeze shut, loosen.