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Panic in the Dining Room
Priority 1: Dinner with parents before worthy of daughter.
The succulent pig is juicy and tender,
The most flavorful of flavored meat.
The aroma is most intriguing.
The vast dining room table is worth more than my life.
Which reminds me...
I live in a trailer park!
Rebecca’s parents will never like me!
My back is not familiar with this ‘proper’ seating position.
My jaws ache from constant smiling.
At least her parents seem to be pleased…for now.
The dad is at the head of the table with the mom at his right.
Rebecca is right across from me.
How radiant she is under the glowing candle light.
Her long auburn hair enhances her attractive features.
Intense brown eyes, rounded cheek bones, her delicate lips…
I look awful!
Did I even put on deodorant?
Oh, God, that’s horrible!
It’s like wet dog mixed with pungent odors of month-old egg yokes.
And the taste it brings is worse. I gag and let out a disturbing belch.
Great! Now you did it!
I look up, trying to keep myself poised.
“Well,” the dad says, “you must really enjoy the pig roast.”
My laughter is only to conceal the fact that my cheeks are now crimson.
God, I’m such a screw-up.
I feel more vulnerable than the pig at the center of the table.
That is when the questions come.
Questions that define whether or not I am suitable for ‘courtship.’
Questions that define me as a man.
Questions I try to answer to the best of my ability; trying to sound mature and intelligent; trying to impress Rebecca.
She says nothing.
I can hardly answer to the pace of the questions. I can’t even think straight.
Now I start babbling. Nobody can understand a damn thing I’m saying.
I sound like a Martian; a fool, not a man.
Rebecca must be irritated by now.
Just be yourself
I am being myself.
Well, you really suck, then.
Now I’m sweating up a storm sufficient to flood the entire house.
My heart beat sounds like the thunderous footsteps of an angry giant.
I’m panicking, I’m panicking! My eyes shift from side to side.
I’m having a seizure.
“Are you ok?” Rebecca asks.
No, I’m not ok. You are so gorgeous and graceful and I’m a havoc wreck that can’t even talk like a human being!
I just close my eyes.
Find a happy place.
Now I start to calm down.
“Well…” the dad says to me. Great! Hurry up! Tell me already! Just tell me that you would rather have Rebecca court the pig and have me be at the center of the table!
The dad finishes: “How would you like to date our daughter?”
“Huh?” I squeak.
Rebecca looks at me and smiles.
That’s when I faint…