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Broken
August 22, 2009
Hope
lingers on
while the
rest of
the world
gives in,
tugging
at the
broken
strings
of your
heart,
whispering,
not yet,
don't
give up,
pick your
broken
pieces
up
and fly...
© Katie J., Puyallup, WA
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This article has 4 comments.
Wow!!!!! Really good. At the end, like the comments below said, I would have changed it to your second option that you posted. That sounded a little better. I had to re-read the last few lines because my brain automatically inserted the word "up" after "pick", so what I actually read was "pick up your broken pieces up" and that confused me. Then I realized there was no first up xP But otherwise, excellent! :D
origionally, it was:
pick up
your broken
pieces and
fly...
But i changed it, i don't remember why i did...maybe it seemed better that way. but now that you said that, i almost wish that i hadn't put the part about flying in! but it just seemed incomplete without the last few words, like the cadence was weird without it.
TheCodyBarnes BRONZE said...
on May. 29 2010 at 10:36 pm
I really like how you made a poem about something broken, and the made the poem itself broken. I also like how you didn't make the sylables repetitive, but are all different, like how shards of broken glass would be. I see how you mean spread your wings and fly, at the end of the poem, but i feel like it would have more of an impact at the end if you left it broken pieces. Good poem though!
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