growing up

age 8. third grade.

Mom and “dad” are arguing, they say it’s because they love each other. 

We all see things, but do we all ever see things the same way?

age 9. fourth grade.

Mom and “dad” spend more time with their son.

I feel shut out.

We know what we know from what we experience.

age 10. fifth grade.

“Dad” drinks too much Fireball and tells me,

“You’re not even my real daughter.”

The next morning I remember, while he does not recall. 

age 11. sixth grade. 

I come home from multiple peaceful days at grandmas, my mothers jaw is broken. 

age 11. sixth grade. 

I sit in my neighbors bedroom with my little brother as the cops make my house a more suitable place for a 11 and 9 year old.

age 11. sixth grade. 

I stay awake until 4 AM to make sure everyone gets to bed or in my “dad's” case, the couch, safely. 

age 11. sixth grade. 

I sit in my room as mom and “dad” spend time in the garage smoking, more worried about their Fantasy Football teams than their own children. 

age 11. sixth grade. 

Mom tells me I am not allowed to get that personal in my personal narratives I’m forced to write for school.

Experience makes us into who we are as people.

age 12. seventh grade. 

Mom says she’s having a baby girl. Now I have to move schools to accommodate my mother.

New school and new friends. 

Yay. 

Would it be better to not perceive?

age 13. eighth grade.

I get to go back to my old school. 

Experience changes perception. 

age 14. freshman year. 

I sit outside by a trailer park vending machine, wearing no socks and my Crocs, for hours as the moonlight illuminates the crisp white snow. 

Mom and “dad” sit at home arguing. 

Malaya and her mom pick me up and I spend the night at her house, from then on the night is filled with positive thoughts and laughter.

Why perceive in situations where we shouldn’t have to?

age 15. sophomore year. 

I spend more time distracting myself with friends than the time I spend with “family.”

I lose respect for “dad,” I start calling him Jeremy. 

We make generalizations based on what we know— which creates a bias.

age 16. junior year.

Mom and Jermey are arguing. 

Jeremy puts a gun in his mouth, it misfires as my little brother wrestles it out of his hands.

age 16. junior year. 

Mom and Jermey separated after what felt like an eternity of bad parenting, yelling, and arguing. 

age 16. junior year.

I’m spending weeks at hotels and days in Lansing at my aunts because we lost our house. 

age 16. junior year.

Me and my boyfriend are arguing. I say it’s because we love each other. 

The generalizations that we make on a daily basis are drawn from the experiences that we survive on a daily basis. 

age 17. senior year. 

I stay with my grandma now. 

age 17. senior year. 

My boyfriend loved me enough to leave me. 

age 17. senior year. 

My mom would rather spend my money than get a job. 

age 17... my senior year.

Everything I have ever known is coming to an end in the blink of an eye. 

How did I end up here and where did the time go? 

Experience changes how we perceive things.

But sometimes it’s better to not perceive at all