i never realized that
someone could look so perfectly put together
and still be
crumbling
on the inside until
it was me
who was the too-warm cookie
resting so carefully on a baking sheet
and someone decided it would be
best
if they picked me up
and tried to hold me in their hands
without realizing that
i wasn’t ready

i’ve spent my whole life trying
trying so hard to stay together
when i keep getting thrown around

i’m on a sailboat
in the middle of an ocean
and i wanted a peaceful day on the waves
but the weather thought otherwise
God thought otherwise

apparently the story written for me was
one with fingers slammed in doors,
toes run over by cars,
siblings crying and having anything they want
when it’s expected that i can stand stoic
smiling easily through pain
laughing softly in the rain
and never once asking for more than i’m given

and i have
but i wish i hadn’t
because now my mom asks
“why didn’t you live a little?”
and my dad questions
why i never go to parties
when i’ve been conditioned my whole life
to study, study, study
and that’s how to succeed.

there’s one path, and any other path
is not right for me.

maybe my sister will go to school for athletics.
the other for art, and my brother –
well, he was entirely unconventional.
he doesn’t count.

but for me, i must remain perfectly put together as always
because there’s nothing else redeeming
to me.
i’m not athletic, not artistic, not a genius–

so, i work.

i work my a** off because it’s all i know how to do
because no one has taught me anything else –
not my parents, not my siblings, not my teachers –
and it’s okay because i like the validation
that comes with a successful grade or
a nicely written essay but sometimes
it’s really lonely when all you do is work and work
and work because i know there are friends who are
walking around and living their lives but
i don’t know how to anymore and i’m not sure that
i really ever did either so where does that leave me
when all is said and done because from what i’ve gathered
i can’t keep this game of chess going for my whole life
when there are people out there who will try
and take pieces from my life and i guess
i never learned how to replace them because i spent
my whole life slumped over a book or a notepad,
writing or reading or studying or writing or reading
and it’s all i know i think