When I was a little girl, my older brother was my answer every time someone asked me why I was so competitive 

From dodgeball tournaments to toy gun fights, sure I could always keep up 

But it was you who chose to include me 

My older brother

My older brother at 9 years old is full of care, wonder and spirit

However the world isn't like him, the world is cruel and dark 

The bullying, 

the teasing, 

the hatred, 

it changed him 

My older brother, at 11 years old, has thoughts to end his life

The end of his eighth grade year I peer open his door and find him lying on the floor 

Blood pours out of him like a well going dry 

It was impossible not to cry 

But still I wail for my mother and father who did not know what my brother had done 

My brother, at 14 years old, attempts suicide for the first time and I at 11 years old save him 

Seeing his almost lifeless body pains me

I feel like a bomb ready to explode, but at 11 years old you can't even begin to break its shell 

I am not ready to say farewell 

Trapped in this prison cell, I can’t expel these images in my head 

What if he had ended up dead?

My older brother, now 18 years old has just graduated high school

It was helpful to get him out of that hell 

The hell that almost made my brother almost just a mere memory 

But my brother isn't my brother anymore

See my brother is now my sister 

He went from dodgeball tournaments and toy gun fights to makeup and dresses 

From Nate to Kate

He is transgender 

But this is not the part that hurts me 

it's the part where she abandoned me 

Got up in the middle of the night and left 

Left my family and I, even though I am the reason she is alive 

How could she not cry after saying goodbye? 

I haven't seen her in quite some time, I imagine she is fine 

Doesn't call or write 

I know it isn't right, but what can I do 

All the things she put me through 

I wish I had a clue