He asks me if I want to sit 

and motions to the cement bench in the front of the yard. 

I nod, saving my breath and

try to let down my guard.

He sits down and pulls me to his lap, 

and encircles me with his arms. 

And it’s just us in our usual cocoon hug.

This is how it should’ve been. 

I’m not p a r a l y z e d

He’s studying me worriedly.

Looking for scars and cuts 

that are made beneath my dark brown skin.

All I see are his hands.

His bruised, red knuckles

and how different they are now. 

Now, that I saw what they could do.

I don’t say anything.

Instead, I welcome the chilly

refreshing air. 

Finally, I don’t feel trapped

even though I’m still in a daze.

His lips move and I forget I’m here with him.

He asks if I’m feeling better.

His hair blows in the wind as he waits for my reply.

I ask if he feels better.

He says no.

I tell him I don’t either and I want to go home.

We’ve been here too long.

I want to get away from here and away from tonight. 

He doesn’t argue. 

He doesn’t make the excuses he made earlier.

He says okay and that we’re going home, but I make him promise.

On cue, the Uber pulls up and Declan doesn’t make me walk. 

He carries me to the backseat, buckles me in, and kisses my nose. 

He promises. 

I barely see the mountains as we pass by. 

My eyes keep drifting open and shut while my head drops. 

I’m exhausted; my emotions amplified.

My thoughts are hazy as I try to remember what’s real and what’s not,

as I try to organize in my mind that everything is okay.

I try to believe the lies I tell myself just so I will be okay with what happened.

Am I allowed not to feel okay?

Cover it up, pretend it didn’t happen,

Just to avoid reliving it all over again?

Too many thoughts.

I’m so tired. 

I tell myself again, 

I’m in C

              O

   N

            T

   R

              O

       L   

Everything is a blur including the traffic lights. 

If it wasn’t for Declan, I would not have survived this night.

I can barely keep my eyes open, but I’m too afraid to close them.

I still see His figure in the shadows.

His hands reached out like claws.

Eyes that glowed with evil.

The music in the car hums, trying to lull me to sleep but I can’t.

My body feels jittery. 

Every time I look out the window,

the store lights look like they’re streaking by. 

It feels like we’re going one hundred. 

I remind myself that

this is 

MY skin 

MY hair 

MY nose

MY eyes

MY body 

Declan lays my head on his shoulder allowing me to finally drift off.

For a minute, everything stops.

My thoughts are quiet. 

My mind is blank.

Then, the engine turns off and the seatbelt unbuckles when I pick my head up again. 

I panic at first.

Remembering His touch. 

His intrusion.

His committed sin. 

But it’s Declan who’s carrying me,

So, I tell myself to relax. 

I hear a bell that rings long and loud. 

It hurts my ears and it sounds like it goes on forever.

Until finally, the door opens.

My head still feels like I’m up in the clouds.

I guess we’re here, but where? His house? 

I see his mom. 

I see his dad. 

It still doesn’t answer any of my questions.

Their lips move, but I hear muddles,

incoherent words stitched together.

I just feel his warm chest and his heartbeat that pounds in my ears.

Slowly, it drowns the whispers of my fears. 

The next thing I know, I’m somewhere upstairs.

I know but I don’t know this place. 

Again, panic alarms go off inside of my head. 

My body feels under attack, remembering how frozen I was.

Except now I can move.

I can run. 

But I’m placed on cool, familiar, blue sheets that smell like my friend.

When I peel my eyes open for a second, 

I see crystal green eyes.

Pink lips.

Sandy brown hair.

I see him—my lover—and I feel his kiss 

on my forehead,

on my nose, 

and on my lips.

I don’t have to run.

I won’t run. 

I know who this is.

I want this forever.

Then, I hear his sobs.

It shakes me to the core.

I’ve never heard Declan cry.

It makes my breathing heavier,

makes my heartthrob.

The sound is muffled in my ear as his hold tightens around my waist.

He holds me fiercely as if I’d disappear.

Baby, please don’t cry. 

I want to reach out to him, touch his face, and tell him I'm fine.

Even though it’s not entirely true.

Even though I’m fading out, 

before I can even extend my hand.

His Adam’s Apple bobs.

He tells me he’s sorry. 

He tells me he’ll do better.

I believe him. 

His words comfort me

But he thinks I’m asleep so,

he continues to cry, eyes all blurry.

He tells me he loves me.

Once.

Twice. 

Three times. 

I believe each one. 

The deep timbre of my future husband.

The familiar highs and lows of his vocal cords guide me to the comfort I’ve been looking for all night.

I love you too.

With or without the vows.

I want to say the words out loud, but I can’t.

My body can no longer sustain

the events of today.

My eyelids are heavy.

Slowly, I let them close.

The sight of Declan is the last thing I see before everything goes BLACK.