It all started many years ago. 

It was subtle to me. I couldn’t even tell. 

But as I got older I noticed it more and more 

She stopped looking in my direction at the dinner table. 

She stopped asking me to play outside 

She stayed in her room and didn’t come out even though I sat at the door. 

I spent my days playing by myself 

And the couch we used to sit on to watch cartoons was only occupied by me.

We got older and she stopped talking to me all together. 

I would say hi and she would just walk by me. Not even making eye contact. 

I tried and I tried. 

But you can only try so hard. 

I’d ask how she was and all I would get is a look of disgust. 

I eventually gave into the hate and anger that had been boiling up inside me. 

I was a volcano waiting to erupt. 

I’d scowl in her direction as she walked through the door 

I would count the days we went without speaking but eventually I ran out of fingers. 

You stopped coming to family dinners.

You stopped coming to holidays.

You turned everything off. 

Just like that. 

You never cared anyways so I guess it’s for the best. 

My breaking point was when you called me selfish. 

You were always the selfish one. 

I always made compromises and tried to be the bigger person.

I cursed your name in front of everyone so they would know how much I hated you. 

I sat there crying out of anger and frustration. 

I couldn’t comprehend how someone could be like you. 

Mom always told me that you were just that type of person. 

That you didn’t have any empathy. 

That she couldn’t explain why you were the way you were. 

But I never wanted to accept that it was true. 

I gave up. 

I was done. 

You shut me out So I shut you out back.

You divided our family into teams. 

And I was always opposing. 

I’d yell and curse and scream and cry. 

No one could stop me and no one could reason with me. 

You tore us apart. 

You ripped heart out and threw it on the floor. 

But now I see it. 

I see it clear as day. 

I never hated you. I never stopped loving you. 

I missed you. I missed how you used to be. 

I screamed and cried and argued and said I hated you but in reality I just wanted you back. 

I wanted to turn back time and try to fix it. 

Fix us. 

After years of hate and anger and arguing I don’t think we will ever be the same. 

I know you hate me. You hate everyone. 

I know when you leave you will delete my phone number and never talk to me again. 

I know you’ll do that to mom and dad and everyone else in our family. 

I lay awake at night wondering if I’ll run out of fingers counting the years it’s been since we last talked. 

You’ll never be at my wedding. 

You’ll never meet my future kids. 

You’ll never visit our parents on their deathbed to say one last goodbye. 

I try not to fill the hole you left in my heart with hate even though it’s easier than letting it go.

The gaping wound you left still sits in my heart 

Our strained relationship will plague me to my last breath. 

I always thought it would go away but I don’t think it ever will. 

I always thought you would be different one day. 

I would think to myself that it would get better. 

I will always think about you and how I wanted us to be close.

But that’s just a fairy tale. 

And fairy tales aren’t real.