I don’t remember anything before the age of 5. My elementary school memories are all fuzzes and blurs. When you learn new things the old stuff fades.

In kindergarten we sat crisscrossed apple sauce on rainbow coloured rugs and read 15 pages books about some fruit or animal. At recess everyone played tag with each other. We were loud and crazy everywhere except the hallways where the teachers told us to shove bubbles in our mouths to keep quiet.

In third grade some new people joined us but it was alright. The majority of us knew each other and the new kids learned quick and people thought you were a genius if you knew the entire times table.

In fifth grade you were cool even if you weren’t because 5th graders ruled the school. So we walked around like kings and queens. The color in the rooms had disappeared by then, but that was the year a little blonde girl took me under her wing and declared us best friends forever. She showed me how to exist loud and gave me a voice far too high to match my personality but I smiled every time I saw her to show her I appreciated it.

In sixth grade I learned there was a name for the shadow figure that followed me around and the dark clouds above my head. Slowly I grew used to them anxiety would read me thoughts to sleep and depression stole my motivation and replaced it with something my parents called laziness.

Right before the end of the school year my 5th grade friend grew mature and left town. I’ve never seen her in person again. I met a new girl though my glasses were broken at the time and the handles were mix matched from my grandpas attempt to fix them for me to see.

She told me she liked my glasses. From that point on you never saw us without eachother. She was blonde wore a black leather jacket cursed like hell and barked at anyone she didn’t like. She was the older sister I never had. She called me ‘b’ it stood for b**** but I loved it I stopped feeling alone.

In seventh grade I learned girls didn’t get pregnant alone or randomly. I learned to distract myself. I buried my head in books. I bathed in pages of romance and made jokes your parents shook their heads at your for. I made a group of friends that year we called ourselves ‘the rejects’ short for ‘rejections to society’ we talked about everything and nothing and we used to say that if you walked by our table at lunch and heard our conversations you’d send us to the mental asylum. Sure we were all depressed losers but we were happy we laughed till our jaws hurt and it was a family we all needed to stay sane.

In eighth grade I moved schools and was a loner for a week until some girl took interest in me. I didn’t realise it was much more than I bargained for. Things got messy and to this day she hates my guts. I made a group of friends after that we went on and on about how backstabbing everyone was until someone snitched on someone so we split up. Little by little we all faded apart I left middle school with my guard up and no one behind me.

It’s ninth grade now and I’ve learned that only I can help myself. I learned that I only need one friend. I learned just to say okay some people aren’t worth the fight. I learned that not everyone’s going to hurt you.

I learned that I will heal ; eventually.