The day he thought my tears were simply for attention

The day that he no longer said “I love you” before we both pressed the red ‘goodbye’ button.

I should have left him.

But my fear of losing him began to seem more realistic as we grew apart

And the overwhelming feeling that I would never be able to live without him took over my mind

So I settled  

For much less than I deserved.

And I felt unlovable and imperfect all the time because of it.

Because his idea of perfection was not me

Because he couldn’t love me for my flaws and imperfections.  

So he said goodbye

And the false hope that I carried nearly killed me.

I drove home

And the whole world was grey to me

And the seats of my car felt like ice cubes on that cold February day.

And the tiny brown hairs on my arm shot up

And the hollow feeling of nausea filled every inch of my stomach

And the realization that he was no longer my second home consumed every part of me.

Time ceased to exist

Because the torturous feeling of his absence controlled my life.  

And the routine began, as I each night I gasped for air and cried hysterically into my dad’s arms.

The scent of his cologne comforted me for a second or two.

He was dad; he was home.

And then when dad released me from his castle of a hug

My world crashed down again.

The next week

Going to my first dance without him

I had a lonesome feeling because his arms weren’t around me.

The makeup, the velvet dress I wore, the new shoes I bought

None of it seemed to matter if he wasn’t there with me.  

She hugged me

And her friend too, and hers too, and so on.

And ever so suddenly, it wasn’t so bad

Not having someone constantly by your side

With the need for constant attention

With that constant feeling in your stomach, awaiting approval from them

With that feeling of being held back.

Suddenly

Dancing like no one was watching

With way more than just one person

With our hands in the air

And our hair everywhere

Was better than any dance I had ever shared with him.