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Breathe
His breath
is constantly on my skin.
His voice
is booming through my brain.
His head
is heavy on my shoulder.
When I say 'I'm fine,'
I'm crying inside.
His hands
are on my back when I sleep at night.
His nails
are in my skin when I walk by the freshman lockers.
His lips
are on mine when I kissed my ex boyfriend.
His tongue
is on my breasts when I'm taking a shower.
His heart
is beating like mine, but we're not the same.
My mind
is showing me images of his bed.
My heart
is constantly racing with him in my head.
My tongue
is watering thinking about his touch.
My lips
are drying after constantly licking them.
My nails
are tearing because I don't drink enough water.
My hands
are shaking when I open up my heart too much.
Truth is
I'm not fine.
His head
was on my shoulder before he touched me.
His voice
was in my ear while he was in me.
His breath
was on my neck seducing me.
His breath
was on my chest sending me chills.
His breath
was on my thighs preparing to take me in.
Just breathe.
Just breathe.
Just breathe!
I can't breathe!
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I was raped by someone who was supposed to be a father to me and when I took counseling, or after running now, people tell me to just breathe and everything will be alright. It's hard to just breathe when it feels like there's a weight on your stomach and a wall that separates you from others and you don't know how to break that wall down, because you feel like everyone, including your body, is against you. No matter how much someone says they love me, I won't believe it because I don't go off words. I love and receive love by touch, but now that's broken so I don't know how to give or receive love correctly.