because i am fat

because the mirror stands, cackling, at the cuts    

accessorizing the lengths of my arms

and the soft of my stomach                   

because my body is a Sisyphus task

because i need to regulate

because i have eaten a bagel with sesame

and half a rice cake

and some non-fattening cream cheese

i ate all of this yesterday because i ate too much the other day

because i cannot eat today

because i myself am an uphill battle    

because my senses do deceive me

my eyes through distorted lenses look

my mouth nothing but air does swallow

and all else it does purge                              

because the bathroom beckons my weakness

because falling out is my hair

because my mind stays corrupted, even after i am all the more aware  

because beauty is pain

because without beauty, i have nothing

because i am nothing but me

and who would want but nothing when they can have beauty?  

because these thoughts stick for eternity

because pain is beauty   

because pain is control

because pain means progress, that i am closer to my goal

because the skinny girls do It

because they know what matters most

because i also learned to do It

because when i compared myself to them i felt so lost

because comparison is the killer of happiness    

because it haunts internally

because doubtful seeds it does plant

that manifest mindfully                             

because no one else notices

they don’t notice my soul is not free

because they only see the pretty

because subjective is each reality

because i try to call for help

because i want to be left be

because i want to end this torment

because i crave to be hungry          

because It is all because of me

because i gave It strength

now there is no me left to fight It

because i can only wither away

because It stays a secret

because my voice is dead

because it’s far too little, far too late

because i lay to rest, helpless

because when i look in the mirror, i don’t know who i see

i can’t see myself

i see a stranger

because It, ironically, has consumed me.