Grief (noun) is deep sorrow, especially when caused by someone's death. Grief originated from the old French. Grief, the empty pit in me. Grief, the guilt I feel for not texting you back, the guilt I feel for not asking you if you were okay. The denial because I know you left the world too soon. The feeling I get when I see a picture of you smiling, but knowing that behind that smile you were broken. Grief, questioning why god had to take you out of my life. Why you? Questioning myself “What could I have done?” Grief, the boiling anger I feel in me, putting the blame on myself  because I know I could have done something. Why didn't I do anything?

Grief, the guilt I feel for knowing you were suffering in your own thoughts for months, knowing how you were drowning in a deep sea of loneliness, and knowing that I wasn't there for you when you needed me the most. The guilt I feel for not saying I love you back. The guilt I feel for seeing the text message in May but never replying till August and the guilt I feel for ignoring your call.

Grief, the state of denial I'm still in after 7 months, because I feel we're just in an argument right now and you're going to text me sooner or later. Denying that 7 months ago was the last time you will ever say “Happy Birthday Gen”. Denying that 1 year and 2 months ago was the last time you said “Merry Christmas” and denying that on July 28th was the last time you said you loved me.

Grief, the questions I ask myself everyday at 4 am. The type of questions that I know your sisters, brothers, parents, and I will never be able to answer. Why didn't I text you back? Why couldn't I have answered that phone call on April 4th? Why was it so hard for me to tell you that I loved and cared for you? Because I really did cherish your personality. The way you would play guitar, your facial expressions, and your gigantic heart. But why didn't I tell you that?

Grief, is the anger I feel because you left your family so broken and aren’t coming back anytime soon. But grief is not understanding why you left this earth. It is not acknowledging that you will never be able to give me a hug again. It is not forgiving that I will never be capable to hear your voice over our long phone calls. And last but not least, it is not understanding that I didn't get to say goodbye.