This blog post probably won't apply to everyone, but this is something I have been struggling with for at least 5 or so years. I'm an introvert at heart who loves public speaking because that somehow makes sense. I have people-phobia meaning that talking to random people that I don't know haunts me. Why it scares me to death, however, is a question that I've been struggling with for years. When it comes to friendship, I see myself as a person who follows quality, not quantity. I would rather have 5 really close friends than 20 people I can small-talk with, and this methodology has some drastic consequences. I always tell myself that I'm doing the right thing by leaving other people alone, they couldn't be bothered with me. Only my closest friends would care about who I am or what I do, other people would just be other people. I literally have walls surrounding my social life, which only wear down over time. This blog post will focus on my struggle with being an introverted extrovert or an extroverted introvert or whatever term I fall under, it's complicated.

First I'm going to explain some problems that I have which forces me to not be so black and white when it comes to socializing.

1. I dislike small talk

I'm going to try not to hate on small talk too much, it's definitely a necessary part of a conversation. Small talk keeps discussions going, which is better than letting relationships drift apart. On the other hand, you can have small talk with just about anybody. When I go into an Uber, I ask the driver how they're doing, not barfing my life story all over their clean cars. I share who I am with my closest friends, and I would rather be spending more time having deep conversations than playing mindless games of Truth, asking questions like: "What's your favorite movie, your favorite book, and your favorite food?" Those are not things I'm going to remember about a person 5 years down the road. I appreciate those who are willing to open up, and so I'll reciprocate. My closest friends and I have had deep conversations at 1 am, those are the people I love and I remember those heart-to-heart's more than a game of truth I played yesterday.

2. I love thinking that people are fake

Sometimes I have no idea what's going on in my brain. The logical part of my brain argues that not everyone is fake and that some people want to care, but the part of my brain that makes excuses yells: PEOPLE ARE FAKE. Of course, the degree of fakeness goes by a case by case basis. I feel this the most during the school year. I'm making friendships in a place that is designed around competition, so there's bound to be some ulterior motive, or at least that's the assumption I always make. I've gotten scolded multiple times about being way too open with my friends. When I asked my parents why it matters what I tell my friends, they gave me two reasons. First, no one cares that much. Second, anything I say can and will be used against me. Sure the constitution gives freedom of speech, but it can't control our reputations. Since I'm making friends in a competitive environment, then they're probably trying to take advantage of me. I recognize myself as one of the easiest people to take advantage of because I see myself as too nice, so maybe others are trying to use me.

3. I love myself too much

I often give myself too much importance when making excuses not to talk to people. Oh they won't want to talk to me, I'm not interesting or there are too many people at that table anyway, I'll just take up space. There are those times where I say hi to someone and then they don't respond. My brain sounds an alarm and I rush into panic mode. Am I invisible!? Do they not care about me? Did I offend them in some way?? So I put my head down and walk away as fast as possible, after all, I don't want to annoy them any more than I already have. I explain to myself that it's more beneficial to society if I just put my head down and walk away. I recently attended a theater camp where I made one friend. Except for one day, he couldn't make it, and for the first half of that day I dreaded the thought of lunch. During every break, I only hung out with him, and I never wanted to sit down with literally everyone else in the camp. So for that lunch, I started walking to the table where everyone sits, but then immediately turned around, sat in solitude, and went on Hangouts desperately waiting for someone to chat with. Then when someone saw me in my solitude, I jumped up and started walking around to pretend like I had a purpose to move, except I didn't (see my acting skills 😒).

4. I'm too passive

I'm the type of guy to jump behind a bush every time I see a new person. I change sidewalks when I see someone walking towards me just so I don't have to interact with them for a split second. I wish I was exaggerating about everything I wrote, but I'm not going to lie to myself and to you guys. I always wish that we could have assigned groups for school projects, because then I'm forced to work with new people, something I can't bring myself to do when the choice lies in my hands. At least when we're in assigned groups we can complain about everything together, and also complain about our group mates because we didn't choose them. I'm the guy who wishes that someone would just come and talk to me when I sit in solitude, rather than me trying to interject into a conversation. I want to talk to people, I really do, but I'm usually not brave enough to do so. I'm way too much of a homebody, who would rather have a lot of me time than be social. That's the funny thing though, I think I would rather do that, but there's always this part of me tugging my introverted side away, making me want to leave the house, but I can never follow its lead. I always appreciate when people say hi to me in the hall, or give me a smile when I walk past them because that means they care or are really good at pretending, and it makes me feel involved. When I'm in solitude, even if I don't want to be, I always take out my phone whether its dead or alive and just mindlessly swipe between screens, just doing anything to keep other people away from me. I want them to be gone, but I want to be with other people at the same time, I'm complicated.

5. I hate being annoying and always worry about saying the wrong thing

Whenever I have a question about an assignment or have to talk to an adult, I always send an email. To me, even if it's an urgent matter, it's better to send an email so that the recipient can check it on their own time, and then I can blame them for not reading my email if they don't respond. Whenever I have to go to somebody in person, I have this whole process of building up courage. I never raise my hand in class unless I'm 110% sure that my answer is correct, and by then somebody else has answered the question, practically saying what I was going to say. There's this weird feeling of confidence minus the courage because no matter how confident I am about my answer, I take too long to build up the courage to go and ask. Jokes are a whole other story for me. There's this big thing about being politically and socially correct, and everybody has their own sense of humor. There have been multiple occasions where I've made a joke and no one laughed, and then the room gets silent for like 2 seconds. Every time a joke pops up in my head I think it through. Is it funny? Is it offensive? Will this hurt or help my reputation? Why do I care about this stuff so much? I guess I like overcomplicating things.

6. I take things to the extreme

I look back and laugh at myself for being such an introvert at heart because I've done some of the stupidest things that you guys are probably going to laugh at too. I'm the type of guy who hates breaks or just passing time. Meaning that when I went to theater camp, I hated our lunch breaks. I never took the time to know anybody, I didn't know anybody that well and there were so many cliques. Luckily the camp took place in a national park, so there was a lot of open space. So during lunch, I would hide far away from the picnic tables, secluding myself. Then I would sit back and pretend to be all philosophical, looking up at the sky and thinking Yep, this is what I want to do. My my what a clear day today to look like I had a purpose. One time I brought a piece of paper and a pencil to pretend to draw on, except I suck at drawing, so I made sure no one saw me because then they'd ask me to show them my "art", and that would be a disaster. There was one time when I was just eating by myself and someone happened to be walking by. I jumped up and started whistling (pretending to because I can't whistle) and started pacing so it looked like I was moving with purpose, like I was too busy in my own thoughts when all I was thinking was Please go away, don't talk to me, I'm too scared.

The essential problem

What makes my situation so complicated is that I don't know what I'm scared of. They always say to face my fears but I have no idea what my fear is. I believe that people don't hate me, because otherwise people wouldn't say hi in the hallway or give me a quick smile, and people talk to me because they want to, I think. I love it when situations are out of my control. For example, on the first day of high school, I just sat isolated at a lunch table and started eating. Then the tables got filled up, and people were forced to sit next to me. Then we started talking and BAM, they became my friends. That's why I like assigned groups, I guess I don't like the idea of choice, because then that means there's a chance of me making a wrong one. In awkward situations where I see an acquaintance, my phone is my savior. Whether its dead or alive, I can pretend like I'm doing something so that people don't talk to me. That being said, I'm elated when I'm on my phone and someone walks up to me and starts talking. I eagerly put my phone down and chat, because that person actually wants to talk to me. So it's not that I hate socializing, I just don't like starting conversations because I'm afraid of the uncertain. Yeah, yeah  I guess that's my fear. The reason I like assigned groups and assigned directions is that they come with a sense of certainty, a sense of structure. When someone starts a conversation with me, they provide the structure. I only raise my hand in class when I'm certain about my answer, because if I answer wrong my classmates will think I'm stupid, or that's what I think. I suppose that's why I like theater so much. I get to show off on a stage, and perform in front of people, knowing what I'm going to say beforehand, I can't mess up!

Unfortunately, I can strongly argue that I'm taking the wrong approach to socializing. I'm too selfish, and I want other people to talk to me and for them to initiate the conversation because I'm too scared to. What's the point of having a friendly relationship with someone when I can't even start conversing with them? But frankly, who cares about the uncertainty? Everything in life is unknown, that's what makes it exciting. I'm the type of guy who hates surprises because I wasn't planning for it, and so it's uncertain. I get unnecessarily mad when my parents pick me up from school and tell me we're going shopping, even though I planned to go home, and that hurts my relationship with them. I keep giving myself excuses to not socialize with people, to stay within the walls of my own brain, because there everything is safe. Socializing with another person, however, is "unsafe" because everybody is different and they have minds of their own. Then when you get competition involved, it's hard to say how much you can tell and trust other people. That's why friends now in high school seem so dangerous, I'm so used to being open, but now it feels like no one really talks about their life. Meaning they don't talk much about how they're preparing for the SAT or any test for that matter, because they want to ace it themselves. I want to be one of the most helpful people on the planet, but I'm hurt when they can't reciprocate. When one of my closest friends is down, I write an essay for them. When I'm feeling down, they tell me to "feel better". It's like if I put in my time to help them, then why can't they put in their time to help me, I'm afraid of people taking advantage of me.

Solutions to my problem

I don't even know where to start. It's so easy to tell myself, go be brave and talk! but I can never bring myself to do it. I start walking towards them, then suddenly tell myself I'm doing the wrong thing, so to make the transition more smooth, I pull out my phone and pretend that I'm on a phone call so I can walk away. I consider myself an amicable and good-natured person, someone who people can talk to. Now when people don't want to talk to me, that's where problems arise, because then I take it personally and question who I really am. It's funny, because I'm not necessarily insecure about myself, just my interactions. Or maybe I'm insecure about myself, I really don't know at this point.

Please if anybody has any potential solutions, leave it in the comments.