Lizards of New | Teen Ink

Lizards of New

July 12, 2019
By alexisdarko, Voorheesville, New York
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alexisdarko, Voorheesville, New York
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Author's note:

I wrote up with peice after being too sick to leave the house for a week and binge watching/ listening to Seinfeild and Welcome to Nightvale 

Carrigann threw herself into the booth of the diner, “Guess WHAT”, she said as she gently tapped a passing waitress, and mouthing the word ‘coffee?’, while also doing a kind of stirring gesture. The waitress nodded and walked off.

“Guess what! You never guessed!” whe whined

The woman across the booth did not look up from the documents she was going over, but offered a vague ”hmm?” .  The man, who was identical to the lady beside him DID look up, giving a silent nod to indicate that he too was guessing what.

“There is a GIANT LIZAR- thank you-”, her coffee had come, “ A GIANT LIZARD ON THE BRIDGE”.

The identical man and woman looked up, 

“A giant lizard?” Asked the man, who was named Oliver 26 years ago but his parents, but named himself “Mouse”, twenty years ago, and had gotten by just fine with it since. 

“A giant lizard!” confirmed Carrigann matter-of -factly as she started pouring sugar into her coffee.

“On the bridge?” , asked the woman, whose name was Oliva, and held many prestigious titles, and degrees. None of which had ever surpassed her title as “Mouse’s twin sister”.

“On-Thee-Bridge”, she answered in that same matter of fact tone.

“A giant lizard on the bridge?” asked the twins in unison

“YEees!” Carriggan said putting extra emphasis on the ‘Y-E’, “there is a giant lizard on the bridge!” she moved her hands rapidly.

Mouse put a forkful of salad in his mouth, and talked through it, “Did you shee”, he swallowed, “this giant lizard”

“ I heard about!”

“Heard about it?” Olivia quirked an eyebrow?”

“Yes! I heard about it in the news!”

After deciding that talking with your mouth full is disgusting, that his salad wasn;t that good Mouse had totally abandoned his food and was now invested in Carrigan’s ravings of  lunacy.

“W--w-w-w-w-what is your news source here?”

“The Post! I saw it in the post!”

He quirked an eyebrow, matching hi sister, “The Washington Post?”

“Yes the Washington Post! WHat other post would i be talking about?! The omniscient wooden one outside of the Arby’s?”

“Yes the omnitian wooden one outside of the Arby’s!” He retorted, mockingly, “what other post would I be talking about?!” 

“The Washington Post!”

The waitress had come by to refill their coffees.

“So----” Oliva interected, “there is a giant lizard?”

“Correct”, she nodded

“And this lizard. Has never been seen? At least, not by you.”

“Also true.”

“However, you have proof?”

“Solid evidence”

“In the form of a copy of the Washington Post. Which we are inclined to believe, as the Washington Post is a reputable news source”

“In fact, it is-” Carriggan was cut off by Mouse slamming his hand on the “diner table,

“WHERE IS IT” his voice pitched up, almost screaming, “WHERE IS THE PAPER? WHERE IS IT, DOES IT EXIST”
“YES IT EXISTS”, she almost screamed back, “ITS REAL IT’S-”


“Children!” Olivia whisper yelled to the two of them, taking the tone of the mother of rambunctious children, “we do not scream in public! You are both ducks who’ve been cut in half! Honestly!” She breathed in, collecting what little composer she had lost, “We both know that the giant lizards are not the problem with the city right now,”

“True”, Mouse cut in

“They’re cold blooded!” Added in Carriggan

“They’re cold blooded! Agree Mouse

“It’s the giant frogs that live in the Hudson and are constantly threatening war that are the issue here”, Olivia said, finally able to finish her thought 

“You know, you’re right”, Mouse had gone back to his salad, “I just sahw,” his mouth was full with lettuce again, “ An editorial on shuh locals newsh about it” 

“You know!” Carriggan sounded annoyed again, “all those local news stations are puppets! “

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