In 7th grade, I dreaded waking up in the morning and joining reality. Ask.fm had ruined my life. I would never wanted to get out of bed in the morning. And it got harder and harder to find the reason to make myself presentable to the world. At this point, I could care less about how I looked. My clothes were wrinkled, my hair was a mess, my eyes were droopy. And it was used against me. But looking nice was the last thing on my mind. I was cyber bullied day and night. It felt like the world was against me because I thought there was no one on my side. Even worse, I hadn’t told my parents. They didn’t know anything. And it got harder and harder to hide it from them. After a really bad day, I would go home and cry for hours. Only fight another day in hell called my life. I contemplated self harm. Luckily I didn’t go through. But then I began to wonder; ‘Would people care if i hurt myself or if I was harming myself? Would they care if i died?’  My grades were lower than they had been all year, and my confidence was even lower. I was just trying to make it through the day. I remember reading the questions and comments everyday. They break a part of me every time I read them.

“Slutty Ass B****!”

“Who are you? A slutty fat b**** who thinks she is popular when she knows she isn’t?! Well go do something other than trying to hang with us! And don’t ever do it again you loser ass b****!”

“Why are you a b**** to everyone?! Maybe you could have 1 friend if you weren’t b****ing all the time!”
“Quit trying to be the center of attention”

“Go do something very permanent to this permanent problem of yours”

Everyday, more and more comments like these would be sent to me. They would either be comments calling me mean names or comments telling me to hurt and kill myself. I wish those words were gone. Erased from my brain. Everyone of those twisted words managed to stay implanted into my mind. Every smirk, every dirty look, every nasty word, has a special place in my mind. It's not a good place. This place is dark, unhappy and miserable. It’s like every bad thing is kept in a safe and I can’t find a key to let them go. You can never have your guard up all the time, you can never pretend you're always strong, you can never always pretend your life isn't crumbling around you. You can never fake true happiness. It's like walking on broken glass. After a while, you break down. You lose it. Just like I did. I cried and cried thinking "Where's my fairy godmother?" Then just like that, all my tears were gone. There were none left. I had cried my eyes out. I wanted to cry more but nothing came out. I learned something after that. Crying only helps you feel better in that moment.

Every night I would pray to God asking him to take me back in time, to the days where I was happy. I would always wake up in the same miserable life. Then back to school. When I walked down the hallway, it was always a battle with my tormentors. People I barely knew would yell mean things to me, so everyone could hear. An audience. Perfect for them. Horrible for me. Every time it happened, I would want to die. I would contemplate killing myself. Once I called a suicide hotline. I got scared and hung up. I never knew why I did that. No one ever knew how miserable I REALLY was. Some days I would force myself to face the day. But then I would look in the mirror. I hated what I saw. I hated the sound of my own voice! After being called "ugly" for so long, I started to believe I was. I never knew there were so many people who wanted to me or had mean thoughts about me. A girl like me. I never imagined being a victim of bullying. And the worst part is, that I will never “catch my killer” like in the TV shows. And even if I could, there would be no satisfaction or sigh of relief. What has been done to me is done. They broke down a barrier that cannot be built back up. I have been broken.

It has been 2 years since I was bullied. It was only this year that I felt brave enough to share my story. I felt like it was right way to get closure. Telling my story is really hard for me but people need to hear it. Bullying silences people. Bullying silenced me. And for those who have been bullied, there is light at the end of this tunnel and it could be closer than you think. You just need to be brave enough to stand up and talk to someone. Don’t hide from what is happening, surround yourself with people who will help you through the difficult time or times in your life. Coming from me, please trust that when I say everything will be ok, that EVERYTHING WILL BE OK. I know I am now.