I was raised by a strong woman with an intense passion to succeed. She speaks with no sense of consequence, and it may be the reason I am who I am today. As a young girl, I looked towards my mother for guidance, support, and most importantly, love. Although I did receive these three things, they weren’t necessarily in the way I had wished that I had gotten them. She guided me to be a better person, but my sixteen year old self now realizes that her guidance pushed me to question the person that I am. I was forced into thinking that the body I lived inside was one to be ashamed of, and I changed for her. She indirectly guided me to tear myself apart in front of a mirror and she holds my self-esteem in her hands to this very day with a tight grip that she won’t seem to let go of. When my mother found out that I had started hurting myself, her reaction was one I had expected, but one that I didn’t want to encounter. I had placed embarrassment upon her, but really, I was just seeking help in someone that wouldn’t make me feel like it was my fault that I no longer had smooth skin. I had suddenly felt less than I had ever felt before. My whole life I had wished to feel small, but in that moment I wanted nothing more than to be bigger than everyone and scream that I wasn’t the one to blame. When the conversation ended, it was never brought up again. My mother supported me in the act of keeping my thoughts and feelings silenced from the world, so now I keep myself shut off from the world.

Tough love is all I have ever known, but if she is saying and doing these things with the intention of helping me in the long run, why have I never gotten to experience the helpful side effects of her idea of affection? My parents divorced along with the treatment that I received from the woman who brought me into this world altered my idea of what love is. The day I overheard my mom call me a mistake was the day I decided I would prove not to be one. I live everyday with the intention of making myself a better person, but I don’t do it for her. I would like to consider myself as a free spirit filled with wanderlust and a passion to give every single person that I meet a piece of the wonderful soul that I wish to become. I won’t be this person for anyone other than myself. I will wake up every day for the rest of my life and remember the names I was called as a child, but I will not let them become the way that I perceive the person that I see in the mirror. I am not the girl I was told that I was. I am the girl that I am making myself. I refuse to be what my mother wants me to be. I will be what I want to be. I was raised by a strong woman, and if she gave me anything, it was her strength.