A best friend’s support is unconditional. They are always beside us in the good and bad moments of our life, giving a hand and love, without judging us. Everyone needs someone in their life, family and friends. A best friend is someone that we can trust and can talk to, on every aspect of our life and the society. With all the stress in our life, we cannot always be working or staying with our family. A best friend needs to be out going and fun. Also a good friend is not just about having a good time with us. Thinking about needs and values, once you have recognized these needs which, satisfied, enable you to be the best person you possibly can be, a friend will help you get them met.

I’m told that everyone grieves in their own way, and I think this is true. The moment someone we care about dies is the moment we feel compelled to do something — whether it’s to cry, talk about it with friends and family, chat about it on Facebook, light a candle, or try desperately to pretend it didn’t happen.

I never really expected me to be at a loss of what to do, however. I remember back when I was much younger — back when I was about 11 — my grandpa died. I loved him a lot, but I was still to young to really grapple with or fundamentally understand what it is to lose someone. Since then, I’ve heard of the deaths of many, whether it be in wars or car accidents, but never have I lost someone I cared about. Until now. It turns out that my answer to a friend dying is to talk to no-one, but to retreat inward and think about it, as well as pretend it didn’t happen.

My best friend, Karthick died from prostate cancer. He was very young. Never in my wildest dreams have I ever imagined that he would die. In fact, most of us had hopes that maybe; just maybe he would make it. But, it became very clear in 2007 that he was quickly deteriorating. He was in and out of the hospital for all kinds of procedures. He went through 3 separate chemo-treatments. Each one lasting months. But then he developed a fistula in his intimate part canal. It was just awful.

The doctors could no longer operate him at this point. They tried to correct the fistula problem so they could continue his chemo treatments. But, by this time, his cancer had spread to his back/spine. And he had just undergone surgery to close his fistula. Once he was back home, it was obvious that his fistula was open again. The doctors could not open him up again. He was too fragile. The doctors then said that he had to go into hospice care.

It was the first time I saw him cry. He cried and really had an emotional breakdown. He was skin and bones at this point. He could not stand; we had to basically hold him up. The handsome guy we once knew looked like he was 40 years old. His skin was sagging. And I could literally see the shape of his intestines through his skin on his belly. I could see his intrathecal vein pump too. It was horrific.
His teeth looked so big for his teeny face..

The night he found out about hospice, doctors gave him medication to sooth his nerves. And he came home. There were full time hospice nurses at home round the clock. With that we all knew it was a matter of time.

I stayed at his house during his final days. Helped to change his clothes, tried to feed him and read him stories and watched him slip away slowly as the morphine was administered to him.

During his final 3 days I watched as he hallucinated and he tried to touch the air, talked to people who weren't there. His speech was slurred beyond understanding.

But, one night I stayed by the foot of his bed and I cried quietly. He woke up
He said, "Why?" I heard her little voice and I glance up to find her looking right at me...and again he asked "Why?"
I asked “Why what?"
he asked “Why...are you crying?"
and I said “Because...I love you"
He said “I love you too. But....I'm not crying."

I was so stunned, because he said this very clearly without slurring. And, I somehow found these simple words so wise. I smiled at her

He said "I don't want to suffer anymore."
and I replied “I know...and we understand if you must go...we don't want you to suffer anymore either"

And with that he took my hand in his hand and hugged me and never cried. He was brave. Brave enough to not to hurt me by breaking down. Then he went back to sleep.

The next day the whites of his eyes turned bright yellow. And he was quiet as his eyes followed his mom around. Then he suddenly had another rush and demanded to speak to me. Her mother came and said that Karthick wants to speak to me. I went in, sat by his side. And he said: "I have to go now"

I said “I know

He said “But...my mother does not want to let me go"
I did not what to say so I said, "please let me get your mom...she has to listen to this...from you"

I went and got his mother. And as soon as she walked through the door....my best friend looked at her and said...." Mom...I HAVE TO GO. Please...let me go"

This was so emotional. I know that his mom was having a difficult time letting her son go. She was trying to force him to eat...trying to get him to stand up. She was so desperate to bring him back alive.

Her mother looked at him and said... “I know. You must go and that’s ok. You need to rest and where you are going you will no longer feel pain. Only joy”. That night Karthick and his mother had a very long conversation when I have slept.

The next day was my birthday. He wished me and said that it will be the last wish from him and he almost cried but he manages not to. He was so sad as he realized that we could not celebrate my birthday as we used to do before. We talked and talked knowing that we will not be able to talk again like this tomorrow. We talk about all those memorable moments we used spent together like there is no tomorrow. And I swear at that very moment I felt we were infinite and I know he felt it too.we both know that we would miss each other very badly but we never want to talk about it as it would hurt him. He indirectly said good bye in his very own way. He don’t deserve to die at such a young age.

He kept on cracking silly jokes and I tried my level best to smile and hide my tears. I know that this few minutes will be in my head as long as I live and I never want it to end. All our family members and friends cried as they saw us trying hard not to hurt each other. Then just as suddenly as my friend could speak with clarity and did not slurred any words. Tears were running down my cheek when he squeezes my hand so hard giving me a signal something is wrong with him. Within a second he slipped into a semi-coma.

I refused to let go of his hands as I know that I will not be able to feel the softness of his hand tomorrow or anytime in future. At 3:45 am that morning...he began his new journey towards peace leaving me behind lost and miserable. We were all by his bedside hoping that any magic would cure him and bring him back to life. I silently cried and hoped that he would wake up as if nothing happened so that we can spent our holidays together, traveling somewhere alone as we always used to do, play golf together, watch a movie together, screaming to each other at the top of our lungs and end up punching each other’s face and would spent the next day together as we never fought.

As the afternoon wore on, he came back to reality and managed to mumble something under his breath. He looked so place and messed up. I could not see him the way he is now as I was used to look at his handsome face with grey eyes. I bend down and kiss him on top of his fore head. When I lift up my face and saw him I could actually feel my whole world crashing down. I realized that he was dead staring right into my eyes. I hugged his lifeless body, screamed and cried all I can and did not let him go. I could not let him go. I could not accept the fact that he is gone forever, somewhere very very very far apart. Someplace I have to wait to die to meet him again which I would love to but I did not have the courage to do so.

After his funeral, his mom told me that he had one last wish. She later on told me that Karthick wanted to me to throw away all the things he gave me, all the things we share and every single thing that reminds me of him. That’s when I realized that he was talking about me to his mom two nights ago. He want me to have a life without him as if he never walked into my life without knocking the door and as if he have never walked on the surface of this earth. He really did care about me but I still don’t understand his theory. I did not understand how I can throw him off my mind just by throwing all the things. Perhaps, he did not know that my own reflection reminds me of him or it’s just that I never had the time to tell him that all his theories would not work on him.

Although, I hate what he wanted me to do but I did not have the guts to deny his last wishes which would be a command for me. I end up packing every single thing and kept all seven of his diaries and one of his favorite books with me. He wanted me to have his diaries and book and let go off everything as he thought that the sight of those things would break me down.

Never in my wildest dream have I thought that I will be losing him very soon. Almost all of our mutual friends taught that we were in love and that is why I am so lost and miserable but they never understand the intense of our relationship. They will never know or understand what we shared. What we shared was friendship. Pure friendship. He is dead but not our friendship.

I have finally come to a closure knowing that my friend is in heaven and looking down at me with a huge smile on his face for which I would sacrifice anything to see it for one last time. Just once. That final moment that we spent together will be in my heart forever and to let him go was good for him. That’s all that matters. Knowing that he is watching me I have learned to live for my friend too.

His lost actually made me realize the deep meaning of friend ship. Although I have a best friend now I am so sure that no one can ever replace his place. No one can and no one will. Little did I know, I learned to appreciate the relationship that I am sharing with my current friends now. I have also learned to respect the friend ship bond before it gets too late to appreciate it or respect it later. We should all appreciate and respect our friends and our friendship before it’s too late. Just remember that if it’s not now its never.