I don’t know what to do with your ‘I love you’. I've never known what to do with peoples’ ‘I love yous’. The only thing I have understood is that those words are almost always a lie. They’re the kind of words that people hide behind, an excuse for any kind of neglect or cruelty. So do not tell me ‘I love you’. For very rarely are those words used to convey their true meaning. Do not think that you can deceive me with such words.


It’s a dark world when those three words become something to be wary of instead of joyous. I've often been told that I’m too hard of a person, I’m too aggressive and in being that way I’m very rude. I understand this, I know I’m rude and hard and unkind but has anyone ever bothered to ask me why?


The answer is no. When I try to explain I’m shot down and told why all of my reasons are insignificant. My life is questioned and examined under a microscope but everyone misses the deep issues, all of the reasons I keep to myself because people haven’t proven they can be trusted with something so tender. How do I hand over an intimate part of myself to someone who is probably just going to throw it away without a second glance and deem it unimportant?


Yes, I’m hard even cruel but that won’t stop. It’s what keeps me alive. I envy the people of this world who have not had to change as I have. I envy those who have not felt betrayal time and time again by those they call friends and even family. I pray that those people remain the way they are for all time.


I have experience betrayal, pain and repeated violence in my lifetime and I never know when it’s going to strike next. So, I prepare myself for that next inevitable attack. I can’t be faulted for this, after all anyone who has lived my life would develop this defense and neither can I fault people for disliking me because I’m hardhearted, because that is exactly what I am. I cannot be angry at someone for the truth of things.


Even though people don’t know my past and the things hidden away in the depths of my soul, do not tell me that I am wrong in the way I live my life. Do not tell me I need to change because I already have, more than anyone can ever know. Above all do not tell me those three little words because those words have always led to the greatest pain.


But even through all of this I’m only strong on the surface. I find support in simpler things as I cannot trust people to give me what I need and not make a mockery of it. I am alone because of this and I do not want to be.


See what this world has done to me. See the pain that you have caused me and the person that you made me out to be. See this hardness, loneliness and suffering and know that it is your handiwork. Know it and be ashamed for the destruction you've wrought upon me and so many others. Or perhaps you are proud because you are the kind of person I thought you were all along.


The lesson behind all of this? It’s yours to interpret as you please but my lesson is simple. Do not force someone else to change as I have. Do not harden another heart with careless actions and words. Should you see it, stop it. Above all else do not make another fear and loathe those three little words. Make your ‘I love yous’ mean what they are intended to mean.