All people in life make mistakes. It’s a part of being who we are as humans. We’ve all heard the saying “I’m only human” to justify those mistakes, but sometimes they aren’t completely resolved. There’s always that proverbial skeleton in the closet, the blotch on the clean white sheet, that one thing that still gets to us after all around us says it’s over and done. This is regret. All people have something they regret, something they wish they hadn’t done and would give anything to go and change it. I, reader, am no different. What I regret most, what I want to change more than anything over the course of this last year, is myself; my own nihilistic, self-doubting nature.

I was never the sort to remain a “happy” person, in just about every sense of the word. Even back in the old days (which aren’t necessarily that old), all who have known me do so for my quiet, spiteful tendencies. Now, to understand me better, you must first ask, “What is being spiteful?” To be spiteful, reader, is to be vindictive. One who is spiteful is quietly vengeful, silently plotting and orchestrating misfortune upon all, simply because they feel you have wronged them. I was no different. I felt like the world wronged me. I grew up in the shadow of my older brother, when I would be told often that I showed more promise than he. While he was allowed to be free in his choices, they were all made for me. I was too sheltered, too cramped in all the expectations piled upon me from early childhood on. As a result, I began to grow bitter. Envious is actually a better term. Reader, envy can make monsters of us all, if felt in unhealthy doses. I was envious of just about everything and everyone around me, for being freer than I was. Soon, that envy, that bitterness turned into something else altogether: hatred.

Hatred is quite a thing to feel, reader. What that term implies is you dislike or have disdain for something so strongly, that is boils a horrible and bitter anger within you. I felt ignored, like I was being short-changed for years…and I began to hate my brother. I began to hate my parents. In time, I came to hate just about everything. The world had become my enemy, and so I did my best to make it pay. When I say I did my best, reader, I did everything in my power to make sure everything and everyone around me suffered as much as I did. Tantrums, disobedience, violent outbursts, cruel remarks…anything I could think of. As I grew older, the more outright acts of hate became more subtle, more “hush-hush”, so to speak. Cold stares, blatant ignorance of those around me, the hate freely flowed out of me. It did me little good, as it wore away at my heart and conscience. In time, the hate became coupled with a new feeling: indifference.

I was no longer interested in the things that actually gave me pleasure. The things and people I held most dear soon became immaterial. As a result of hating all, reader, I no longer cared about anything at all. Why does it matter? Why should I bother to care? Such thoughts swirled around in my head, battering away any and all sense of purpose and drive to do anything that I had possessed. I began to, and still somewhat think to this day, that all I do and all I am…will amount to nothing. This, reader, is called nihilism. If one is nihilistic in nature, it means that he or she is rejecting any and all things that have been given personal or putative meaning, commonly seen in existential nihilism. This philosophy states that life itself, and everything in it, holds no value, and means absolutely nothing. I fell into that category, reader…and it has been slowly ruining my life. The sad part is, that I cannot yet change it.

The combination of the spiteful hatred of all around me, and the nihilistic view of life caressing my mind and heart as a mother would her child, has been slowly tearing down what I and my loved ones in my life have worked so hard to build up in the past. As a result of how I am now, I’ve lost three of my very best friends. I’ve lost my will to succeed, and that in and of itself has gotten me suspended from my first college, and generally almost cost me an education. I say I cannot change it, because I have tried. I am trying, reader, and I am failing. The more I lose, the more I begin to question the value of what I lost and what I was attempting to gain. What am I doing to help quell the emotional storm in my head? Well, reader, let’s just say I am getting the proper support from various sources. I noticed the downward spiral too late, and this is what I want to change in the past year. If I had been able to deal with my inner demons then, perhaps I would have been better off now. There is a very good chance I would not be where I am now, had I been more in control of my hatred and nihilistic views. Reader, all people face the wall known as regret. This is my wall, my obstacle. Even now I fight the good fight, finding any and all light to shine in the darkness of my heart…to lay the groundwork for a generally brighter life in the very near future.