Allow me to tell you, a little about myself.

I am a beast. I am a beast who knows nothing of keeping it together. Who knows not of telling people the things I should, fearing they will run in the other direction, and mind you; they should. I lie and kill and destroy, although it may not be in the general knowledge of those terms that you find what I mean. I will not tell you if I’m hurting. I will not cry out, instead I will sit silently killing myself night after night hoping one day I might have the courage to destroy you with the news that I haven’t become the person I try so hard to be. I push people away and lock everything up inside, yet I fear my ability to do so in a manner where they believe I have told them it all. Do you see what I mean? I am beastly, a monstrosity you could say. Succeeding in crawling outside of my head for mere hours hoping my choices may land me in the pearly gates of that man I told I didn’t love today. But instead I found myself treading the navy blue spaces of my head, crawling to islands of opiates in hopes they’d save me once again.

I hate myself.

And you’ll never know. For I am the coward my dad told me I was after every track meet I ever had. Missing the passion that trailed from my feet, and only recognizing the broken glass underneath. I do not live on faith, but self medication. Why is this all falling apart, oh God if you can hear me, please fix my ailing heart. I am the girl I was when you first met me, I am aware of only sinful nature and maybe it’s just my rebellion that doesn’t want you, but I need you. And it’s not often such words will crawl from my mouth by desperation is all I’m coming to know.

Is it wrong that I can only trust myself? Becoming true when I hang up the phone, you do not know, my hurt. You do not know how I get to sleep each night. You do not know where my skin has traveled to. Please. Please know. Please help me. I am not okay. I am not whole. I am not a child of the God you depend on. I am wrecked of all things pure. I am everything I was afraid I’d be. But here I am, my arms sprawled out for you to see, that change had a miss communicated leave, and I’m too deep.

So please, just allow me to tell you a little about myself; because I am a monster, a beast.