I hate her, and I don’t hate anyone really, except her. I’m going to have to meet her tomorrow. It is going to be the worst day ever.

She’s my dad’s girlfriend and she’s doesn’t have a job; she lives off her daddy’s money. How am I supposed to respect that? She’s always looking for scapegoats. Nothing’s ever her fault. It’s always my dads, her dads, her friends, or someone else’s; but, it’s never hers. She’s weak both mentally and physically. Mentally because she’s never worked a day in her life and has always had everything handed to her and physically because she’s a vegan. Her body is literally eating itself because she refuses to eat what it needs. I don’t hate vegans, but I hate her. She goes through hobbies like candy because she doesn’t have the persistence to keep up with anything. Again, how do I respect that? She used to skydive but quit when it got hard. She then took up horse riding and within the first week she fell off and broke her arm. She won’t be doing that again.

And that’s why I have to meet her tomorrow. She can’t take care of herself and, apparently, there’s no one besides my dad to take care of her. She’s going to be there when I get home tomorrow. It doesn’t feel like home right now.

On a side note, my dad has been working 12 hours on second shift for the past month. He works 6 pm to 6 am. I don’t get to see him much; only every other weekend for a couple of hours when he’s not unconscious from exhaustion. I miss him so much it hurts sometimes. And now, the infinitesimal time that I get to spend with him is going to be with this woman. It hurts even more.

It’s tomorrow.

I went to the bathroom in between periods to cry. It has been eating at me all day. Then, I left practice early because I couldn’t breathe. And when he came to pick me up from school, I had a panic attack and literally couldn’t get in the car. I can’t meet her, I’m not ready. I still can’t breathe. It’s not fair, I spend one-fourth the time with my dad that normal kids do and now I have to share it with a woman I don’t even like. I know she makes him happy. I know he has someone to talk to now. But I miss him.

I couldn’t go, so he took me to my mom’s house. It made him cry. He said he understands and I know he does but it doesn’t make up for the fact that I made my father cry. He apologized for never getting to see me and said he would talk to his boss about changing shifts. It helped a little. We promised we take a day this weekend to do things we like, like snowboarding or biking. It helped a little more and now I’m so excited and I feel like a little girl. We get to hang out again like we used to before he met her. It seems like it has been so long since we got to do that. He promised there would be no girlfriends, just us and that means the world to me. I still miss him though.

I don’t think the effects of the divorce hit me until now, and it has been close to six years. I never thought I’d see this day come. But it did, and I wasn’t ready.

I don’t know if I hate her now. If my dad likes her there must be something there. I guess I just have to find it, but just not now.