Sometimes I get these random burst of anger, I don't know why or where they come from. Some deep, dark part of me I guess. I remember one incident when was watching The Dark Knight on T.V. and my mom and step-dad plopped down at the couch giggling and started just watching it with me. Giggling and carrying on without thinking of me trying to watch one of my favorite movies. When they sat down, my body go tingly, my tear ducts became watery, and my mouth became dry. I wanted to scream and cry to tell them to get the pff the couch or shut the hell up so I could watch the movie. These bursts of anger can range from a few minutes to a whole miserable day. I get majorly depressed to the point that all I'm motivated to do is sit and watch T.V. and wonder what Mom would think if I killed myself. What my step-dad, Grandmommy, and Papa Charles would think. All the people I love and cherish and all the people that love me in return. I don't want to die, frankly I think I'm too awesome to die but that's just my ego talking there, but I can't help but wonder and be fascinated by death. Sometimes I find myself roaming the Wal-Mart movie section for a movie with tons of needless blood and killing; like Chucky or some vampire gore-porn film. Movies like the Saw trilogy fascinate me because they're so dark and full of pain.

Maybe I'm just a freak, I don't know.

I have a friend, let's call her Nicole, who completely understands me in this area of freakiness. We both have moments where we can even joke about pain. We don't want to hurt anyone or ourselves really, it's just something we do. However, we both pull ourselves out of the thoughts of killing ourselves. Like I said, I don't think we really want to die.

Her home life isn't so great. Her parents, siblings, and for that matter her whole family are class A freaks. We're talking illegal tattoo artists, drug dealers, rapists, and drunks freaks. Not the hahahaha that guy just got killed freaks like me and Nicole.

Anyway, back to my point. We all have some sort of messed up s*** in our lives, and we all have our moments. But we all need someone who truly understands us to get us out of our messes.

I don't like to be touched anymore either, really. I noticed when I went to my friend's house a couple weeks ago that every time she tried to touch me I would slap her hand away. The same thing happened when some guy who is friends with one of my friends tried to hug me. He's gay, so he always wants to hug someone because he just loves everyone. I literally screamed at him to never try to touch me again or I would kick his a** into next week.

I really wouldn't hurt him, because he really is nice and all.

I think it's a defense mechanism of not wanting people to care. If they touch me, that means they like me or care about me. And when people care, they leave. Like my dad. My dad left me, and he supposedly cares. He gives me hugs and kisses, but that just makes it harder for me. A guy I've known since elementary school and I could totally fall in love with is leaving me and him giving me hugs just makes me want to cry.

Let’s face it, I just need to be in a relationship with a rock. At this rate, I'm going to be forever alone.

When my mom thanked me for being such a good daughter, I asked her if she was high. If I was such a good kid, then why does she yell at me all the time? Parents are nucking futs, if you ask me. It's sad that I'm not even use to praise from my own mother. She isn't the type to show affection with hugs and kisses, she is the type to protect and defend you. Which is fine with me, I don't really like hugs anymore.

Unless we are really close. Then you better feel really freaking special I'm hugging you.

I feel so alone sometimes, like I don't even fit into my group of friends that aren't exactly "normal." (Then again, who is completely normal?) I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I may never see my dad again, or my brother and sister. That's a mess all in itself. I think about them a lot, my brother and sister. I want to show them so many things, and damn it I will! I will fly out to Denver and see them however many times they need me or when I need them. Maybe things will get better. People say they always do. But sometimes you just want to stop feeling the pain. But that's all it is. Sometimes.