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Approval of Apologies
I've always said that the day I can expose my wounds without later hiding them behind pretty words and sweater sleeves will be the day that I consider myself unpretentious. I want to see my vulnerability red and raw. I want the world to know that I can't confront it with a sling and a stone.
I don't want to pretend anymore.
Just let an entire galaxy fall down on me and don't grant me a wish.
I'll mend Orion's belt later and then apologize for catching someone's falling star.
I just want to apologize to everything because I am sincerely sorry for and about everything.
I'm sorry that I threw a penny instead of a dime into Fountain Venus's hair yesterday,
I'm sorry for your loss even though I'm not certain what you lost,
I'm sorry that you're upset even though you don't look like you've been crying.
I'm sorry that you looked into the mirror this morning and felt ten pounds fatter.
I'm sorry that you've lost all hope, or rather that your injured mourning dove has finally awoken with healed wings, and your mother made you set her free today.
I'm sorry, God, for throwing my dime into the fountain even though it was supposed to be placed on the altar for you this Sunday.
I'm sorry, time, that everyone wants to stop you in your track and place moments on your back that were never meant to be there.
And to the art of apology:
I'm sorry that I'll never run out of reasons to be sorry.
The naked truth is that I don't think I've ever gotten through life on anything more than approval and apologies. I've never wished on a star, I've never found a flour-leaf clover. I have thrown coins into fountains, but just because I like how their silence echoes on the water. I have prayed to God before, but only because I thought faith was just folded hands and Sunday mornings, stained glass and singing mourning doves.
Yes, I don't think there's a better feeling than that which comes from saying you're sorry even if you don't know if you're sorry. I don't think there is anything more refreshing than forgiveness from people you may have never hurt to begin with, but you just want to make sure.
So while I have nothing to hope for or nothing to wish on, I'll wait to be redeemed. While I am weak and the only thing I wield is an apology before a breakable world, while I'm still wearing my sweater even though my wounds have come out of hiding, just know the truth is that I am sorry.
I am so, so sorry.