As a child, I would get average grades, have average looks, and just be average in everything. My brother, despite not having the best grades, excelled in social skills. He was talkative, outgoing, and charismatic; everyone knew of him, and that's how they knew me. I was shy, always hesitant to pursue things I was interested in. I believe as a child, I was too dependent on people around me, and those who were, were always willing to accept me because they knew me. I remember that at family gatherings, they would often forget who I was, whether I was even part of their family or not.

“You must be Katie” (my older cousin). 

“No…”. “Then who’s left?” 

I was forgotten. Completely by my own blood and family. To be fair, I didn’t know them either, but it still hurt to see my cousins being recognized, the second the other family members batted their eyes. However, this feeling didn't stop at family gatherings, it was everywhere I went: at school or social events. Socializing felt forced at times, an awkward pause of silence before we part ways unfulfilled. 

                  Looks, brains, wealth, and personality: the four characteristics that describe one’s social status. I’ve always understood that first impressions are the most impactful on how people perceive you, meaning looks. I've never been the most attractive in the room, neither was I rich so I knew I would have to make up for it some other way. This is when I took pride in my grades or personality. I was always a bad responder, so I heavily relied on my grades. People around me would perceive me a smart and I would have pressure of maintaining my grades, not to please others but myself, a way to feel satisfied and not feel left behind being less than average. My parents never really cared about my grades, they were willing to accept me for whatever I did and who I am but I understood the real world was harsher than that. I had to develop a persona for myself. My whole life I always struggled with being 'just average'. To some people average may seem like a compliment, implying of normalcy and fitting in. However, average to me always meant, 

"you're not good enough". 

In school I was always caught between the two groups: the smart, academically gifted kids and less academically gifted kids. It always felt as if I was constantly battling with myself to prove I was in one group. I was too dumb to be apart of the 'smart kids' but I was too smart to be apart of the 'dumb kids'. Unintentionally, since I was a kid I would always choose friend groups that I would benefit from. Not by using them, but learning from them. Such as the smart kids or ones with more outgoing personalities. They always had a clear sense of who they were; confidence, a presence well known I’ve always craved. I believed that being friends with someone would influence who you were, how you behaved because when you are around someone for that long you start to pick up their tendencies and even their mindset. When senior year came around, college and our futures became more serious; the doorway to what we would individually become in the future. 

                  Individually… This word scared me; I was going to be alone, on my own path, not anyone else’s. In a couple of years, this would all become a memory, fooling around with friends in class, not having worries about what comes next. But being labeled as ‘ordinary’, had an impact on my confidence. 

“Can I do this myself? 

Am I enough?” ran through my mind 24/7. 

“What do I even do in the future?” 

The question that always conflicted me the most was 

“what subject are you the best at?” 

That seemed to determined my future, but I had no answer. I didn’t excel in anything, only average. I had no passion, no drive, only mirroring the people around me hoping to find myself in the process. 

“What do you think I’d do in the future? 

What do you see me as?” 

I kept seeking validation and answers from other people but myself. People don’t seem to realize the major change I had to endure. Being the youngest in my family, always being dependent on those around me, and suddenly I’m alone. I’d have to fend for myself socially and academically. It felt as if I was starting from the beginning.          

“what if I was not accepted?”, 

thoughts of doubt running through my head. 

I had nothing special, nothing that made me stand out. Or so I thought. I still have no clear path of what I want to do in the future but I do know that I would never allow myself to fail. People expect a highschool student to know exactly what they want to be in the future but guess what, life takes people in all sorts of directions. You may think you’re friend who was so set on being surgeon would end up as one but people change, paths change. I realized it wasn’t a competition with who was the most sure of their future, the only one I was competing with was myself. I kept denying myself, seeking validation from others when the only person that knew what I would be in the future was myself. I determined my life and frankly no one cares enough about my life to determine major decisions I would do for a life time. This was called the “spotlight syndrome”, a psychological bias where people overestimate how much others notice their appearance, actions, or mistakes, feeling like they're constantly under a literal spotlight when they're often not the center of others' attention. Still I have not accepted or am pleased with being average but I came to the acceptance to accept myself. I may be seen as average now but who knows what the future holds. If I let myself get stuck in a mindset that I can’t do better it only hurts me. 

                  Even for college admissions. It may not seem like a struggle or just something I should just be grateful for but I received no financial aid. Again. I was caught between the barrier between being poor but not poor enough for their system nor not being rich enough to fund my entire tuition or influence to get into a college I desired. However, I can’t argue much about my grades when I know I barely try. I procrastinate, I fear failure. It reflects how I behave; I’m afraid of failure and I feared if I tried and failed then I’d embarrass myself and waste my time on something I had hope in. It put me in a mindset of fear, flight, or freeze. Red chinese characters scattered around the classroom, the AC blowing wind at full blast, trash in all the desks, a sour, body odor smell, my creative writing room. At the beginning of the year I felt displaced. Despite being in the same grade as all these people, if felt as if they were strangers. I knew of them, brushing past shoulders in hallways, a casual wave that didn’t define our relationship, laughs we shared in freshman year only to feel like complete strangers at the end. Freshman year was a melting pot of all the students, ‘smart’ and ‘dumb’, sporty, attractive, it didn’t matter, we all had a chance to interact with one another. Until sophomore year where classes started defining us into what groups we fit into. Junior year was even worse, I was stuck with the same exact classmates all year, every class, every second, every friend group. I was forced in a group that seemed to define my status. Before I became a TA for my teacher she didn’t really know my name, didn’t really interact with me until I made myself known through continuously trying. Even on bus encounters, it wasn’t that deep and maybe I wasn’t loud enough but I yelled at the bus driver to open the backdoors. I was unheard, invisible, Internal identity conflict caused by growing up invisible and “in between”, in a society that rewards visibility, certainty, and stand out traits. Grades as identity.