(Sarcastic Version)

These tips won’t help you become a professional nascar driver but they sure will help you keep safe, not annoying, and very prone to get in a car wreck while driving!

First things first if you have kids, make sure you always pay attention to them, and I mean ALWAYS. They are your biggest priority, if they drop something and are crying and whining then grab the toy, sippy cup stuffed animal, etc. right away and make sure that they are happy!

Another very important thing is to drive on the left side of the road. This is important because when the people around you want to pass or get around you, they are not able to which then can lead to stress which can lead to a car accident which can then possibly lead to yours or your neighbor's death!
            
Never use your blinker while driving, and I mean EVER! Now you most definitely cannot forget this one. This is very important when it comes to any turn you’re planning on making. It shows that the person behind you doesn’t need to slow down, slam on their brakes, or change lanes any time soon but rather they can quickly see that you’re about to turn and swerve out of the way quickly avoiding another possible deathly car crash.

Now after you’ve given a bald head to at least 10 people you pull into the Meijer parking lot and see that there are two parking spaces open right next to each other, so what do you do? You take your little slug bug and park it right in between both of the two spots. Although that will most definitely grind someone's gears, you’ll be happy and that’s all that really matters at the time and place.

Gotta be somewhere? Running late? Well I have the solution for you! To get from point A to point B within 10 minutes no doubt. Swerve rapidly in and out of cars. If you want to get there even faster applying step three by NEVER using your blinker while doing this action.

Texting while driving. It’s a serious matter. In fact statistics have shown that in 2011, at least 23% of all car collisions involved a cell phone. That’s 1.3  million crashes having to do with a cell phone. If you’re traveling 55 mph and you look at your phone for 5 seconds that’s traveling a whole football field with your attention on your phone rather than the roads. But I mean hey, if your boss texts you and command you to go get her coffee, you obviously can’t ignore. Or if your best friend calls to tell you that Justin Bieber's new song is out then you HAVE to answer.

Having road rage is a must! Anger towards other drivers is very natural. Your emotions could very likely get out of control, go right ahead and let them. Remember to always drive when you’re stressed, having aggressive mood swings, or just feeling down in general!

This next tip will sure put lovely car horn music to you ears. While driving in the neighborhood it is very appropriate to make sure you go 10 (or more) miles over the speed limit. This also applies to busy cities. Now just because it’s ok to drive 10 over in a neighborhoods and cities, it’s most definitely not on a highway. On a highway I would say it’s probably better to go at least 10 under the speed limit. That’s more like it!

My last tip for you will surely make a difference on the roads and off in fact. Picture this, 8:27 in the morning just got out of bed but you have a meeting across town at 8:45 a.m. No time to shower, no time for makeup, no time doing your hair all pretty, and most definitely no time to shave. So what do you do? Do it in the car maybe at a stop sign or a red light but preferably while in mid motion.

If you follow these steps you will be the best driver on the roads. Guaranteed! Hope you enjoyed and I’ll see you next time on “How to”!