Tuesday, December 15th 2015

A letter to myself ten years from now,

Honestly I’m at a loss for words. I don’t really know what to say to you that you don’t already know. For the most part I just hope you’re finally happy. I can’t remember the last time I was really happy, it seems like all I’ve ever known is pain but that can’t be true can it? I’m currently 18 years old and my problems that I have now probably seem extremely trivial but I can’t really imagine a point in time where I’ll have something more important to stress over. I have roughly five months until I graduate. I’ve lost nearly all motivation to continue and I’m constantly thinking about dropping out. I’m 18 and it’s time for me to start my life but I’m lost, and It’s too hard for me to figure out by myself. What if I fail and I end up back here? I’m scared. I’m always scared these days. I have self harm issues and I’m so ashamed of myself. Too often these days I think about dying and the more I think about it the less afraid of death I become. It’s like me and death are acquaintances that are becoming friends at a very fast rate. I’m starting to scare myself. I can’t picture myself ever having someone actually love me, it’s such a far fetched idea for me that despite my intense desire for my own family I’ve only ever seen myself as a single parent, and honestly did I turn out as anything else? I’m tired of being in my body….I’m fat, and trying to accept myself as I am is so completely hard that it’s nearly impossible. I wish I could just rip myself out of this body. My personality could be so very beautiful but it’s dimmed constantly by the body that represents me. I think the reason that I’m incapable of loving is because of the large amount of hatred I hold for myself. More than anything in this world I want to be happy. I feel so alone. No one is there for me when I just want to disappear off the face of this earth. No one really knows me, no one takes the time too. I feel like a stranger. Half the time I feel like I’m watching someone else’s life go by, like I’m a bystander. I want to live. I want to feel. I want to love. I don’t want to feel like I’m drowning anymore or like I’m already dead. So future me for the sake of my life please be happy. I don’t care how or why just please I’m begging you be happy

      -signed, Desperate 18 year old you