“If we do not find anything pleasant, at least we shall find something new.” –Voltaire

This year I will feel no shame. I won’t spend my nights dying for a glimpse into some other universe where some other mistake I’ve made did not happen.
This year I will be here. I will take the advice of every smudge-voiced green-eyed brown-eyed angel I’ve betrayed and live with no regrets.
Ever.
No staring back at myself with disgust. I will fix it. I will learn from it. But I will not regret it.
I will find or steal some happiness for my own, but I will share it, too.
I will give more energy than I consume.
I will be Greengirl, full of grace. I will allow my youth, my joy, my heart, my spirit to fill everything I do with the lushness of a thousand forest mornings.
I’ll stop making everyone so damn miserable.
I’ll learn not to be lonely.
I will be free, from myself, from everything that tries to steal me, from everything that tries to keep me down.
I will throw my whole self into everything I see and not only wash over it but let it wash over me.
I will see the spaces between.
I will learn to feel outside of myself.
This year I will tell the truth to everything and everyone and find something that loves the truth and needs me.
This year I will be here forever for my best friends.
This year I will let my family heal me so my family can be healed.
This year I will paint the stars in my own heart and I won’t cry over the supernovas but instead see their absolute beauty.
This year I will read more of what excites me.
This year I will do more of what excites me.
This year I will sing, and sing loudly, and let the blue energy burst forth from my lungs like it was there all along and howl with it, let it beat my heart for me, let it take me all apart and make me into something lean and raw and real.
This year I will write it down and not ignore my aching spirit. I will take my brother’s good advice and find the fascination in this world for him.
This year I will dance with everyone I love.
This year I will pass my AP tests.
This year I will trust myself and my family and hope they will learn to trust me back.
This year I won’t cry unless I’m hurt.
I will not become my father.
I will wear what scars I have like battle wounds because they are and I will not acquire any more.
I will cook the most delicious food in the world and share it with everyone I love.
Especially fritters.
I will visit Alex and make sure he remembers how special he is to me and how important he is to the world.
This year, I won’t forget where I came from, and I won’t be fool enough to think that I know where I’m going.