Transforming Your Weight Problem Into $3 Million for Dummies | Teen Ink

Transforming Your Weight Problem Into $3 Million for Dummies

March 16, 2013
By PhoenixCrossing GOLD, Tinley Park, Illinois
PhoenixCrossing GOLD, Tinley Park, Illinois
14 articles 0 photos 179 comments

Being born in the Western world, there is a lot of weight on our shoulders, and probably in our thighs too. Americans in particular are often victim to the manipulative strategies companies utilize to reel customers in, specifically in the food industry. One of the fattest problems in the nation, besides the economy, is the size of our jeans. Fast food businesses are in top competition with our doctors in brain- washing us into what to shove into our watering mouths next. Unfortunately for citizens, McDonald’s and Wendy’s have won that battle more than just once. Except now, with fresh legislation and the government on our side, there is a way to strike revenge on the industries fattening away your beach body: by suing them for your bad health! In three short and easy steps desperate singles will crave you for your money and success, and not your abs, just like you always dreamed.

Step One: Choose a company
Selecting a company in which to legally pursuit is probably the most important of all the steps; picking on a weaker brand is initially a failure because locals, and sometimes even celebrities, tend to pity the close-knit rather than a random person. Instead, follow this fool-proof check list on how to commit to the perfect company.
1)
Must advertise to adults and children
Reasoning: Children are the key to success when appealing to emotions with a judge. Imagine your lawyer pleading, “Think of the children!” Every case following suit is almost guaranteed success.
2)
Must advertise approximately three times in between every commercial break
Reasoning: Excessive advertising is easy to attack in a court case as well. This provides evidence that misleading photographs of the products and catchy song tunes are devious in the brain-washing scheme of things. If you have no choice, then how does society expect you to make healthy decisions?
3)
Must have irresistible food
Reasoning: If the food does not make your mouth water just thinking about it, then you are choosing the wrong company. The deliciousness associated with food ties in closely with the addiction it brings to consumers. Once again, if your body is craving a McGriddle, your mind cannot possibly overpower that physical, and now psychological, need.

Step Two: Create a case
Setting up the reasons for actually suing your desired company must hold roots in legitimate areas such as your lawyer and witnesses. Both assets will create a backbone for your case, which allows the audience to realize that really you are just an innocent consumer trying to live his or her life happy and healthy without fatal companies sacrificing your well-being for the profits of a few greedy businessmen. This is the exact illusion you want to have your judge falling for since Americans are more dependent on amusement in emotion than actual facts. Lawyers and “witnesses” will aide your case in creating this perfect mirage.
Lawyers
There are people who went to school to do your dirty work for a living; let them do it! Paying the right lawyer is like choosing the strongest boys to be on your dodge ball team. With the perfect amount of grease on his slicked back toupee and inhuman law jargon, your lawyer can manipulate everything the defending company has and serve it to you in on a silver platter because the law allows him to. He will also be able to appeal to the emotions of the judge, which is exponentially more effective than the boring testimony your defending company will offer. Once your judge is convinced that your weight problem has nothing to do with your apparent laziness or tendency to make bad decisions and everything to do with the mind control the company enacts, he will immediately grant you the money you demand. It really is simple as that.
Witnesses
In any court case, competent witnesses are essential for a ruling in your favor. Doctors are the best route to take when it comes to suing a fast food company for the damaging of your health by manipulation. They are the most professional witnesses you can present since they have actually witnessed pound by pound how fast food has crippled your physical being. Also, requirements in becoming a doctor include abstaining from any sort of fast food and condemning anyone who does not do the same. These super humans are trained for events such as your case so feel free to enlist your cardiologist, gynecologist, endocrinologist, anesthesiologist, dentist, and even your shrink. Though facts may not be as important as your plea to the heart of the judge, white lab coats are a plus that create necessary credibility in your case, performing as the perfect witnesses.
Purpose
When the judge first looks at your case folder, he must possess an idea for where you are going with the whole lawsuit, which makes your ultimate purpose utterly important. Remind yourself constantly why you are suing the defending company; you are obese and it is their fault. Therefore, the company deserves consequences for putting you through so much pain and suffering, just like a drunk driver would owe an injured victim money. Completely disregard the fact that you are a capable human being who has choices on what to eat, how much to exercise, and how to take care of his or herself. Thinking such nonsense will not help you in the eyes of the law. Always keep in the front of your mind that the fast food industry is dangerous; you are even doing the public a favor by suing the company that has not only damaged you, but millions of people world-wide with their poisonously addicting products. Take pride in yourself as a citizen of the Western world and push that company back into its place. Your purpose consists of all of the above and much more if you please; now you have a guaranteed success.

Step Three: Win
During the court case is the time you will have to exert the most effort of the entire experience. This includes excessive crying, weak knees, and obnoxious nose-blowing. Whether the case brings you to real tears or not (you know what money does to people), you must act the part. Each time you execute the previous scene, you gain points with the judge, and your therapist. Such a performance will emphasize the brain control involved with the company, which is highly illegal might you point out. In addition, wear the most unappealing clothes to your body type to accentuate the physical “catastrophe” that has arisen due to the consumed products. The actual case is really just gluing all of your claims and misfortunes together and throwing fancy feathers on top to humiliate the company as much as possible. The more shame accumulated onto the brand, the more money they will be willing to hand over. By the end, the judge is sure to be won over by your act and grant you with your demanded amount of cash. The worst case scenario is him accrediting you to enough money to pay for liposuction, which still would not be an awful suggestion. Either way, if you follow these steps thoroughly enough, you are guaranteed to take your weight problem and transform it into money.

Through these three concise steps, you are promised payback from the company that expanded your waist line four more inches than necessary. It is also very significant to remember that you do not actually have to weigh 400 pounds or be on the edge of a mental breakdown to perform the needed task for your well-deserved money. This trend in America is popular among all sizes and ranges and is not fading any time soon, so you too should take advantage of the fast food industry’s weakness before they find better, less-dignified lawyers to complete their own dirty laundry. With all the money this how-to guide has allowed you to win, maybe you can spend it on another one of our books. Maybe you will even make the decision to buy a treadmill and lose all that extra mass, or fall back into the same cycle and purchase another cheeseburger from your defending company. Do not forget to remember that, in the end, it really is your choice.


The author's comments:
This is a satirical essay I wrote for class to make fun of the relationship between fast food companies and the customers who victimize themselves.

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This article has 5 comments.


on Jun. 20 2013 at 10:53 am
RunnergirlAlli SILVER, Tyndall AFB, Florida
9 articles 1 photo 14 comments

Favorite Quote:
"When writing a novel a writer should create living people; people not characters. A character is a caricature." -- Ernest Hemingway "If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write." -- Anais Nin

I was laughing the entire time! Especially when I read; "Step Three: Win", this is great! Keep up the good work!

on Jun. 17 2013 at 11:17 am
PhoenixCrossing GOLD, Tinley Park, Illinois
14 articles 0 photos 179 comments
thank you!

on Jun. 16 2013 at 7:48 pm
TaylorWintry DIAMOND, Carrollton, Texas
72 articles 0 photos 860 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Never fear shadows. They simply mean there's a light shining somewhere nearby." - Unknown

So funny. The ironic last sentence just made me laugh out long, as did the rest of the essay. I really enjoyed this, and it definitely makes me want to read more of your work. You are hilarious!!

on Jun. 15 2013 at 9:17 am
Laugh-it-Out PLATINUM, Brooklyn, New York, New York
38 articles 0 photos 445 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light" --Dylan Thomas

This was amazing!!! This was funny, informational and silly, simply awesome. Not to mention, it made me hungry! Anyway, I loved the encorperation of all the food describing adectives in there, and the introducton was hilarious. Beautiful closing! Great, great job! And thanks for reading some of my work. Keep rockin

on Jun. 13 2013 at 7:55 am
WrenArrington, Sioux Falls, South Dakota
0 articles 0 photos 74 comments
I think my only suggestion is that at the end, rather than claiming you have a choice, you should say something like "Remember that, in the end, it is all the companies' fault" since that's what you've been advocating throughout the essay. I liked how you used exaggerated adjectives to make the whole thing more satirical. Great work, hope you got an A-plus on this!


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