"You and the Cap'n make it happen," or at least that's what you'd believebased on the commercials. But if you ask me, the Cap'n doesn't need your, oranyone else's, help "making it happen" - he does well enough on hisown.

Cap'n Crunch is by far the greatest cereal - no, the greatest food -ever invented. It's as close to perfection as anything ever crafted by the handsof man. If I had to rate the greatest inventions of all time I would rank Cap'nCrunch second, just below the printing press and just above the wheel.

Theother day I was discussing my fondness for my favorite cereal with my best friend(or should I say ex-best friend), and he actually had the nerve to say, "Youknow I don't really care for Cap'n Crunch."

I was shocked. I couldn'tbelieve my ears, and it gets worse. Before I could find the words to express theutter horror I was feeling, he began telling me why he dislikes Cap'n Crunch.

"It's really sharp," he began insultingly. "It nearly cutmy cheek the last time I had it. And when it's soggy, it's ridiculouslysweet." I didn't happen to be standing near a mirror so I couldn't tell youhow many shades of red I turned in anger, but I'm told it was at least 20. I'mnot even sure what I said to my so-called friend, but I was in such a rage, I amsure it wasn't pretty. How else could I have responded? He insulted my lifesource. Sometimes the only reason I bother getting up in the morning is Cap'nCrunch, and he thinks it's too sweet. He's crazy!

So, as it's obvious tosee, what matters to me is Cap'n Crunch. And if you want to stay on my good side,don't mess with the Cap'n.