Dear Sexist Pigs in my Algebra Class,

As a new student at “Rocky River” High School, I have had to do a lot of adjusting. New classes, new teachers, a new building, new rules – so much has changed in my life. Therefore, I wish to express to you my deepest thanks for proliferating an ideology that has been around since the beginning of time, and one that has comforted me in my darkest hours: that women are inferior and should be subject to objectification by men.

You see, throughout my life, this concept has pervaded my world. However, some people have a different view. They actually believe that a woman is more than just a body to be ogled. There are some crazy people in this world who think that women have brains and that their thoughts and opinions have value! I am glad that this view will certainly not be infesting the hallowed halls of our school because you fine young gentlemen are sticking to your guns and displaying the sort of sexist behavior that young ladies should expect from men.

Now, it is true that you have not directly confessed to me your misogynistic views. But I have based my conjectures on a thorough analysis of your behavior.

Exhibit A: Whenever our Algebra class has a substitute teacher, there is a strong correlation between the gender of the teacher and the amount of respect you give him or her. Profanity usage spikes sharply when our teacher is a female, and you have an increased tendency to make crude jokes. However, when our sub is male, these comments suffer a steep decline. In fact, when “Mr. Smith” came in on his prep hour to teach us, you were absolutely silent. So bravo, boys! Youth should respect authority figures, which do not include women or the elderly.

Exhibit B: You insist on asserting your male dominance, despite the fact that the ratio of boys to girls in our class is 7:21. I commend you for not overlooking anyone and continuing to show every single female just how important – or unimportant – she really is. And you do this in ways that accommodate every type of learner! For those of us who are audio learners, you make inappropriate, degrading noises. This is a nice surprise, as I had feared this type of behavior had ended in seventh grade. Boy, did you prove me wrong!

For those of us who are visual learners, you give us anatomy lessons using the white board. You're even sensitive to the girls who might be visually impaired, drawing the male figure way out of proportion anatomically to make sure everyone can see. On this topic I must caution you, however: too much emphasis on this particular area may make you appear insecure, and people could get the wrong idea.

Exhibit C: Not only do you possess virtuous ideas, but you believe in putting them to action. Just in case the girls in our algebra class don't get the hint, you directly exemplify what you stand for. On many occasions, you have taken jabs at girls, and succeeded in making them uncomfortable. When asked by our teacher how the ACT testing went, you replied, “Great. I loved watching Nancy bubble in her answers.” When a girl bent down to plug in the overhead projector, you said, “I like the way you do that, Irene.” And when our substitute teacher was trying to teach us mathematics, you declared, “I like my girls feisty, ‘Mrs. Brown.'” Each time, you were extremely successful in reminding these women of their place, which is in the kitchen.

In closing, I want to express my gratitude to you for demeaning the girls in our class, and women in general. You have succeeded in making me realize my rightful role in society, and in making me feel degraded. I receive such a comforting feeling knowing that you think me no more than an object of your objectification. If misogyny can outlast my school change, then it surely will continue to stand the test of time.

Sincerely, The New Girl