“Is it okay if I don’t like boys?”

“Well, I don’t have a problem with it, but I think you’re too young to know.” Her voice was brittle and unsteady. “It’s too young to make this decision.”

“It’s not a decision, and I’ve known since a young age.”

“Well, when you’re twenty-five, maybe you can be sure how do you want to live your life……”

I came out to a family friend over lunch. Her response was a little upsetting, but I was prepared and handled it maturely. I did not get emotional. I bubbled up my emotions. She comes from another generation, so I reminded myself to be patient. But it didn't conceal the pain. 

Another scar carved by my loved ones.

“You’re too young to know.”

“How can you be sure?”

“It’s just a phase.”

It was not my first time coming out. I’ve heard the phrases a zillion times. But the person who questions me the most is always myself.

I had what I call a “typical lesbian experience”. Had a crush on my best friend since sixth grade. Moved to a new country after endless bullying. (Okay, maybe not this part.) Out to my close friends at the end of sophomore year in high school. But even the person who is most confident in their sexuality still doubts themselves every day.

“What if it really is just a phase, like they said?”

Despite the apparent attraction to the same-sex, the countless days and nights of trauma, tear and even blood, I keep second-guessing. “My life is a confusion.” I can’t imagine being straight, so maybe this is the price I pay. Maybe every person who refuses to fit in society norms has to pay a price. The price can be ostracization, humiliation, or even death.

Yes, time is getting better. Society is more accepting. There are more role models on the media. Whenever I have doubts, a heartfelt short film on Youtube or a hilarious comic strip on Pinterest reassures me that I’m not alone. There are increasing representation in movies and TV shows, too. Ironically, some people comment that the LGBTQ+ community is “overrepresented” nowadays as if they can find a movie that doesn’t include a straight or cisgendered person.

Twenty-gay-teen was amazing. I am grateful that I was born in this century.

But the truth is, being different is always hard, no matter where and when. Coming out is hard, even with the most liberal and open-minded parents. You’re waiting for this perfect moment, and it never comes. I have done it numerous times, but I’m not sure the next time I’ll be able to summon the courage. It’d be easier if they don’t automatically assume you’re straight. If they don’t say “but you don’t look gay” and apply the stereotypes. If they don’t ask, ridiculously, that if I come out to fit in or to be popular or follow the trend. 

They say that I come out just because most of my friends are queer which is absurd. But in this heteronormative world, how could we survive if we don’t stick together? 

Why would I make a choice that would risk myself to be shamed, bullied, even abandoned?

How many youths are killed just because they are themselves and they can’t change it, can’t hide it, can’t live a lie?

Being a human, I strive for a brighter future. A future when being straight or cisgender won’t be the default. A future that there is no default at all. A future when teenagers like me won’t worry about losing friends and family. A future fills with love and sunshine.

Human beings should never stop questioning. Though questioning we explore and learn more about ourselves and the world. Being a part of the LGBTQ + community taught me the importance of open-mindedness, kindness, and diversity. I couldn’t be more grateful.

So maybe it’s a choice, after all. I made a choice to be myself, to be proud, and to embrace that being different should be celebrated. And to love, because love is the most invincible force on earth.