Forever Young | Teen Ink

Forever Young

November 14, 2010
By AshTree SILVER, Clarksville, Tennessee
AshTree SILVER, Clarksville, Tennessee
7 articles 0 photos 196 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Live your art" -made this one up myself. Simple, but true.


“Her laughter broke the silence,” the man told the police. “and then I saw it.”


I wish that we could all be young. It is nice to be naïve and ignorant of the evil that endlessly haunts the Earth. I wish that we could live in a perfect world where we still laugh and wish. Yet, I realized then as I drove to the girl’s funeral, that we do not. I used to envy the little girl, but now that she’s gone… well let’s just say revenge is bliss. So if the world can’t be perfect, why should I try to be? I guess that’s why it happened. And maybe that is why I am the only one who appreciates the delicious fragility of this travesty.


“What did you see?” The man questioning Layla’s father was fat and even though he tried to lean over the table, his stomach just wouldn’t allow him to. His mustache was huge and he stroked it with each question.

“Sh-She held a knife in one hand and a headless doll in the other.”


Hope is always there, oddly enough, because hope vibrates deep inside our souls. That is why I had the knife. I needed to rid them of any hope they still carried. But then there is love too. Love hesitates to reveal itself. I’ve never loved anyone, but I did feel something as I tied the blue ribbon in such a foolish way- a bow on my ponytail. I guess it felt silly as before I was 53, but that night I was eight years old.


“Who? Who was it?” The policemen was getting anxious, he’d been told the same thing by all the other funeral-goers and they weren’t getting much of a lead.

“She was an old woman, probably in her early fifties.” The father paused to wipe the tears out of his eyes before continuing. “She had on a child’s dress, one I clearly remember buying for my daughter.”


I had smiled so brightly as I skipped down the halls of the building, humming the song Layla had that night as she sat on a swing in the park. My dress was so gorgeous and it looked so much better on me then her. The night of the funeral, I was Layla, a picture of beauty and youth. No one could stop me, for I was in my perfect world for a couple seconds.

“She had visible veins and sagging skin. She almost looked sickly because of her pallor. She was short- probably 5 foot tall exactly- and was quite petite. That was most likely why she could fit into children’s clothing. Then there was her hair.”

“What was wrong with it?”

“Well it was pulled into a rather high pony and there was a ribbon tied into a bow in it.”

“So what?” The fat man was getting angry. He didn't care about small details like this. They were insignificant. They needed to find the killer, now.

“So, it was Layla’s ribbon! It was the one someone had used to choke her to death! That woman killed my daughter! And she stabbed her dead corpse at the funeral twenty-four times!”


I remember leaning over the coffin to look into her unopened eyes and speaking to her. “Oh Layla, sweet child, remember what I told you that day? No? Revenge, my dear, is bliss.” I stabbed her. I don’t know how many times but my body wouldn’t let go. It wouldn’t stop until their hope was gone. It wouldn’t stop until that little girl on the swing had no love. But now, I rot in jail. I share a cell with some old woman. She gives me looks whenever I try to fix my ribbon in the mirror. I guess she just envies me because I’ll be forever young.


The author's comments:
This was really fun to write. It was kind of a sudden impulse.

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This article has 9 comments.


AshTree SILVER said...
on Nov. 27 2010 at 11:38 pm
AshTree SILVER, Clarksville, Tennessee
7 articles 0 photos 196 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Live your art" -made this one up myself. Simple, but true.

Thanks for the advice! I'll work on clearing it up and reword a couple things.

on Nov. 27 2010 at 8:16 pm
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

Oh, I didn't suspect you based this off of The Possibility of Evil, I know you wounldn't :)  It was just that the storyline was already so done, it felt like more of a retelling than a new story.

on Nov. 27 2010 at 7:49 pm
Phoenix97 PLATINUM, Minneapolis, Minnesota
29 articles 4 photos 62 comments

Favorite Quote:
See lyrics to "Let the Waters Rise" by MIKESCHAIR and "Everything" by Lifehouse

Well, I've never read the story preachyteenager is referring to, so I'm going to leave the originality question alone. I think this was good; it kept me reading. Two things to improve, though. One, try not to end sentences with prepositions. Maybe it's just me, but every time I see a sentence ending with a preposition, I really want to reword it. Second, maybe clear up the storyline just a tad. I understand that this piece is mysterious and a thriller, but I was confused the first time I read it. After the second time, it made more sense though. :) Four stars from me!

AshTree SILVER said...
on Nov. 27 2010 at 4:07 pm
AshTree SILVER, Clarksville, Tennessee
7 articles 0 photos 196 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Live your art" -made this one up myself. Simple, but true.

I am sorry if you found it unoriginal but I have never even heard of The Possibility of Evil until you mentioned it in your comment. I wrote this purely from my imagination as I do with all my stories. And about the number of stabs, I put that in there because I wanted to show how much he loved his daughter, so much he counted each time she took a stab, as if it was a stab to his own heart.

 

Anyway, thank you for taking a look at my story and I do like seeing a new point of view on it. I'll tweek a few things here and there as I always do with my stories. Your comment gave me a fresh outlook and I appreciate that. Thanks!


on Nov. 27 2010 at 1:14 pm
NeverCaredForKool-Aid GOLD, Elkridge, Maryland
13 articles 0 photos 531 comments

Favorite Quote:
I don't believe in hell but I believe in my parent's couch-- Watsky

This reminds  me a lot of The Possibility of Evil.  The storylines aer actually unfortunately similar.  I too like these creepy-crawly stories, but one of the things that makes a story truly great to me is originality, which wasn't really here for me.

That aside, I liked your writing pretty well, the voice of the character was good.  Lovely bit of creepiness, adds a chill factor to the story.

Oh, and I thought the line of dialogue was unrealistic.  I don't feel like a parent would say the number, it's just too precise.

3 stars.  But that's mostly because I didn't like the concept.


AshTree SILVER said...
on Nov. 24 2010 at 10:06 am
AshTree SILVER, Clarksville, Tennessee
7 articles 0 photos 196 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Live your art" -made this one up myself. Simple, but true.

Thank you!

Esperanza GOLD said...
on Nov. 23 2010 at 8:59 pm
Esperanza GOLD, Twinsburg, Ohio
15 articles 0 photos 106 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Don't tell me 'sky's the limit' when there are footprints on the moon."

This is a wonderful article most adults would envy u when u write it. This kind of leaves u with a sad/bitter ending...it makes the audience members depressed but sometimes people can relate. If people relate to ur writings, it proves u are an excellent writer...keep it up.

AshTree SILVER said...
on Nov. 22 2010 at 8:37 pm
AshTree SILVER, Clarksville, Tennessee
7 articles 0 photos 196 comments

Favorite Quote:
"Live your art" -made this one up myself. Simple, but true.

Thank you so much! No one had posted a comment so I wasn't sure if it was that good.

EnIgmAh said...
on Nov. 22 2010 at 7:53 pm
EnIgmAh, Kailua, Hawaii
0 articles 0 photos 1 comment

Favorite Quote:
we can't be forced to do anything. we just choose not to deal with the consequences of if we don't. ~Enigma Sage

why are we trying so hard to fit in when we were created to stand out? ~Enigma Sage

that was amazing! great article! i love these thriller types ;}


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